As always, I was a day behind in my Gossip Girl watching, due to the not having television in my apartment and having to watch online, and as always, I have a few thoughtsicles.
First of all, two words: Opium den.
(In my search for a screencap of that scene, I came upon this blog, and now I have three fake boyfriends: Ed Westwick, and the two guys who write I Am Chuck Bass.)
But back to the drugs of yore. Opium den? Only Chuck Bass would be capable of finding one of those things. That scene with him in a kimono is so priceless. Anyway! “Jack Bass” is a nice play on “jackass.” Also, the actor is kind of hilarious in an I-wish-they’d-give-him-more-screen-time kind of a way. I loved the part where they’re in Headmistress Queller’s office and Jack is like, “Well he’s in the principal’s office and both parents being dead–sorry Chuck…” (like, “sorry for bringing it up” not “sorry they’re dead”, which is also hilarious) and Chuck just cocks a finger gun at him and goes, “No problem,” all high-like. Obviously, Uncle Jack is, like, the world’s most horrible influence, what with getting drunk at his own nephew’s party and then almost whoopsing him right off the edge of the building with his foghorn voice, but that’s what makes this show so fun!
Explain to me why, though Constance Billard and St. Jude’s are supposed to be two different schools, the students walk the same halls, take the same classes, and have the same headmistress? That sounds like just one school to me, and fancying that up with two names is beyond ridiculous. Also, have you ever noticed that they’re never in class? Not only that they skip school all the time with no repercussions, but also that there are no scenes ever filmed in a classroom. Yet more evidence for my personal theory that Gossip Girl isn’t about teenagers, it’s about human beings at any age.
Now, there were many choice Bluck scenes in “In the Realm of the Basses”, but probs my favorite was the one at Victrola. One of Chuck’s most interesting qualities is his insistence on saying the world’s meanest thing to the person he loves instead of expressing his real feelings, which are actually exactly the opposite. Now, saying “Is that it? Or are you going to tell me you love me again?” is particularly cruel because he knows that not only did his rejection totally crush her like it would any girl but also that, Blair being Blair, she’s been obsessing about it and wishing she hadn’t said it ever since he left, because her pride is the most important thing to her and he shattered it by not saying the words back to her when she knew he felt them.
One of Chuck’s worst qualities when it comes to Blair is that he’s always testing her. This is another one of those tests. “I love you so much it could kill me if you leave me,” is what he’s really saying, “so show me how much you love me by staying with me no matter what I say or do to you.” And she does, because Blair is constant. The fix’d foot, as John Donne would say. That’s her best, best quality. She’s the opposite of a fairweather friend–she’s only there for you if you really need her. And Chuck always really needs her. That’s just his nature. He always needs, because he was never nurtured.
Whatever. So! My favorite Blair scene this week is the one where she comes home to get ready for the Colony Club meeting (what a bullshit storyline, right?) and she sits down in front of the mirror and she starts to dry sob, but she doesn’t cry, she abruptly stops and gathers herself and straightens her shoulders and heads back out into the world. I love that scene because that is exactly what I would do. I would want to cry, I would start to sob, but what I would really want to do is scream and the tears wouldn’t come out because I would be too anguished and so I would push it all down deep and get my head back in the game. I see a lot of myself in Blair; maybe that’s why I love her so much.
I won’t even justify the Colony Club scene or any of the Jenny Humphrey stuff with thoughtsicles, because you already know my opinion of Penelope and that’s all I would talk about re: the stupid Pinkberry-set Little J/Mean Girls storyline this week. Nice to see Eric finally grew out his highlights, though. In fact, just nice to see Eric.
See? There he is.
Back in the realm of the Humphrey-Woodsens, Rufus abandoned the kids he’s (ostensibly) raising during Christmas and New Year’s and stuck them with their horrible mother for the entire holiday so that he could canvas Boston (why Boston? I though Lilly had the Secret Love Child in France?) looking for the kid he didn’t know about until the day before Christmas hiatus. What a tool. And of course, because his only resource is a ridiculous tourist’s map to Boston adoption agencies, he finds nothing. Dan finds that map, though, which makes him go “Hm.” But of course, despite being a total hot mess, Chuck still has to be the one to spell it all out for him, even though he has better things to do like teeter on the edge of the rooftop/sanity and drink whiskey straight from the bottle and nuzzle with Blair once she finally proves to him how much she cares about him (oh, I’m getting there). HOW DO YOU NOT FIGURE THIS OUT, DAN/SERENA? I knew there was a Humphrey-Woodsen love child last season, because it was so damn likely! Yeah, so, as always, the Humphrey-Woodsens are totally snoozeville. No wonder Eric wants so badly to be a Bass.
Let’s catch up with Bluck, shall we? After breaking the bad news about the Humphrey-Woodsen baby to the current heir to the Humphrey throne, and also telling Eric it was nice having him for a brother (either Chuck doesn’t understand anything or he doesn’t believe in anything, either way it’s so sad), Chuck goes up on the roof to sing some song I don’t recognize about “Spanish ladies” (??) and drink booze and possibly die. Blair, of course, knows that’s where he’s gone and the jackbass follows her up there where he almost startles Chuck off the edge like an “IDIOT!” which is what Blair yells at him. Then Chuck proceeds to talk like the Bug in Men in Black (“Well I went to the pardy…”) and scream about how his daddy never wanted him (valid criticism, Bart practically admitted that himself, although it was because Chuck reminds him of Chuck’s mother and it’s painful, not because he just doesn’t love him, WHICH CHUCK SHOULD REMEMBER, but all Chuck remembers is what Bart said to him right before he died, which is that he always screws everything up) and how he’s Chuck Bass and how nobody cares. And then Blair gets all squinty and tells him that she cares, that she’ll always be there, that she doesn’t want him to go away. And she passes the test! Chuck gets down off the edge, apologizes to her, and nuzzles into her neck like a little puppy. It’s so cute! Let’s watch it.
Aw. Best scene since the awkward/awesome hug last episode. Then the show had to go and ack a fool by pretending the jackbass and Blair did something untoward on New Year’s that Chuck can never know about. Okay, most people are freaking out because that might mean that the jackbass and Blair hooked up. To this I say: Nay. Even with the promo from next week–you know how manipulative those things are. I think they made some kind of evil deal re: Chuck. I can’t think of what that might be because I don’t actually know the jackbass. We’ll just wait and find out. I honestly don’t think Blair would sleep with the jackbass. Blair isn’t like Chuck; she doesn’t look for comfort in physical intimacy when she’s feeling broken–duh, that’s where all her food issues come from. One could argue that she looked for comfort in physical intimacy with Chuck after the whole Nate debacle, but again, to that I say: Nay. Without the Nate Archibald albatross around her neck, she was finally free to give into her chemistry with Chuck. Also, free to take off her clothes in Victrola. Yay freedom. Yay getting rid of Nate Archibald!
Speaking of that guy, where was he this week? Not by Chuck’s side, that’s where! Probs making out with Vanessa (also suspiciously absent this week) in the Brooklyn. Good riddance.
Bluck dramz + Bluck love + ridiculous new character + no Vanessa or Nate + Pinkberry product placement =