“Why do you wear so much purple?”

Before I get to my thoughtsicles on Monday night’s Gossip Girl episode, I have a link for you. Apparently, yesterday (my boyfriend) Ed Westwick was on The View with Chace Crawford, his roommate/bestie for life. DID YOU KNOW THAT ED WESTWICK IS BRITISH?!?!?! OMFG! The British! They’re so wily with their ability to hide their accents and play AMERICANS CAN YOU BELIEVE IT?!

Barbara Walters has clearly lost her mind. Accents aren’t heads; you don’t need really ridiculous surgical intervention to change them. This isn’t Face/Off. Although you can’t blame her, I guess, since she’s been completely incapable of talking like a normal resident of this country or any other for her entire career. “Talk American.” That’s not even proper English, Babs! And you, the pretty one with the hair, what is it like living with an ACTUAL BRITISH PERSON in the UNITED STATES OF DUHMERICA? “Well, now I say ‘rubbish’ for ‘garbage’! Can you believe it?” Same with Whoopi. They’re both clearly insane.

Oy. ANYWAY. Let me get this straight–I’m supposed to care about the Bass der Humphrey secret 90s love child, correctsicles? So why is it so hard to care? Oh, that’s right, because Rufus and Lily are completely dismal parents who have managed to totally ignore and abandon their own children separately for nigh on eighteen years now, so obviously I should want them to find another kid to punish with passive-aggressive mostly disinterested parental posturing. Okay then! So they’re in Boston, together this time, because Rufus couldn’t find the kid on his teeny tiny map last time and Lily needs to get away and dry her tear about Bart’s death on some 1500 thread count Egyptian cotton sheets in a four-star hotel because she doesn’t ALREADY LIVE IN ONE OR ANYTHING and it’s not like they’re reading her late husband’s will in New York, which her grieving stepson Charles is having to face on his own.

normal_060“Why do you wear so much purple?”

OH BUT WAIT. He’s not alone! He’s got Blair (FTW) and the jackbass (massive FAIL). Excuse me but is the jackbass really just allowed to be Chuck’s guardian? Wouldn’t Lily, being his stepmother, have first crack at that? Has Lily even met the jackbass yet? Where was she when Chuck was almost falling off of buildings? So many questions, but only one answer: Lily pretty much sucks. Still, not that I think she needs yet another child to not care very much about right now, but at least she doesn’t want to bilk Chuck out of the family fortune/controlling interest in Bass Industries. Because that’s what the jackbass wants. Like we didn’t already know that, show. He’s obvs bad news bears. He doesn’t need to dramatically proclaim “That rat bastard!” or whatever he says when Chuck gets 51% of BI and thus becomes the king of all the vague arsony business his father’s company purportedly does.

Let me explain why this makes no sense, even for Gossip Girl: 1. If Chuck needs a legal guardian, he’s still a minor. 2. You can’t inherit anything when you’re a minor, I KNOW I CHECKED. Not a billion dollars, and not a company for heaven’s sake. Blah blah blah trustcakes about Chuck’s dolla billz, but you still can’t inherit controlling interest in a company. Also, here’s a thought: it is completely implausible that Bart would’ve written his letter to Chuck unless he foresaw his death or faked it. If the answer is that he faked it, awesome. If it’s that the writing is sloppy, fail. That is dumb. He would not have written this ridiculous letter. And also isn’t it interesting that Lily inherited no money and neither did her two children? Bart wanted them to be a “family”, as far as that word ever gets you on this show. Doesn’t that mean they get a cut of the funds if he kicks it? Oh, right, I forget that the bonds of family on this show are at best plot-driven and at worst totally imaginary. My b!

Here’s another question: why do people trust the jackbass even though he’s not even trying to cover up the fact that he’s a snake? Chuck and Blair won’t fully trust themselves or each other or any single other person in their lives, but with him they’re all “Sure, be my legal guardian!”, “It makes total sense that you should want me to go out and drink champagne in a limo with some hos!”, “Yeah, of course I’ll set up a secret brunch for Chuck! I’m so certain this is not a trap of some sort!”, “Fine, I’ll take these olds up to Chuck’s new chamber of secrets where I have no idea what he’s doing!”, etc. Er…disconnect! Okay, I get why Chuck trusts him–because Chuck thinks the jackbass is him, a creepshow womanizer who winks at people like Nate Archibald for no good reason. But why does Blair trust him? And why is she not worried about the jackbass whoopsing their BIG NEW YEAR’S SHOCKING EVE to Chuck? She’s so “Let’s not” when the jackbass threatens to tell Chuck what “happened”. So…really? I’m still supposed to believe they hooked up? Denied.

normal_143Looks like a really good idea!

I’m telling you, Blair made the right choice dumping Chuck’s ass. I’m as big a Bluck fan as the next person, but there has got to be a limit to the lengths that you’ll go for people before your heart is in so many pieces it’s impossible to put it back together again. The wife comment is more than insulting, it’s true. Blair is everybody’s wife. She’s Serena’s wife and Dan’s wife and Jenny’s wife and her mother’s wife and absolutely Chuck’s wife. She’s also their mothers, because of course none of them have good ones to speak of. Blair’s ultimate tragedy is that as much as she thinks she’s motivated by her own self-interest, she’s best when she’s somebody’s partner and they’re accomplishing something together. Earth to Chuck: She’s not playing wife, she is your wife. Insofar as “wife” is a devoted female partner. And I understand Chuck’s inability to keep his nastiness in check when he’s backed into a corner, and how he’s the type of person who lashes out a the last good thing in his life, and how he can’t see how important you are until he watches the light die in your eyes because of something he’s said or done. But how long can you go on punishing yourself for loving someone? Blair made the right choice.

normal_200Not enough.

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