Every body has secrets

How does one follow up a post where they debut their cover for the first time and everybody cheers because it’s just so beautiful thank you so much Delacorte!? One does not. So instead of trying, I’m going to talk about Bones.

Bones is my most recent televisual obsession. I have this thing where I like to watch television while I’m revising, so I’ll do like two pages of revisions and then bounce back to the show and watch five minutes of it, then bounce back to the manuscript, ad infinitum. I think that adds up to more television watched than pages revised, but whatever, it’s my process, don’t hate. I made my way through all the House, Psych, Dollhouse (still not sure about that show), and Monk episodes on Hulu and finally I was like, “You know what? What’s wrong with Bones?”

Nothing, that’s what. Bones is like a poor man’s X-Files, although I take some umbrage at the Emily Deschanel character. Temperance Brennan, I know Dana Scully, and you, my dear, are no Dana Scully. You can love science while also being a human being, Tempe. There’s no way Angela would be best friends with this automaton. Booth, for some reason, I can see liking her, but Angela…I just feel like she’s too cool for that shit.

Anyway. What’s so great about this show? David Boreanaz, duh. And I like procedurals in general. Plus, Hart Hanson worked on Joan of Arcadia for a while and I love that show. But also: everyone else. I was sort of “meh” about Bones for a while, as I watched the first season’s episodes, but then I saw the only second season episode they have on Hulu and I finally gave in to the love in my heart. It’s called “Aliens in a Spaceship”, and the villain of the episode is a kidnapper/murderer called the Gravedigger, because he/she kidnaps rich people and then buries them underground in an airtight container until the ransom is paid. There are so many reasons why this episode is awesome, so I’ll just list them for your convenience:

  • The crime: The two victims were twin teenage boys whose daddy is wealthy. According to their father, they were brats, spoiled and badly behaved, like that’s not his fault but whatever. They died because their father, on the advice of the FBI, refused to pay the ransom. OR SO WE ALL THOUGHT. It turns out that the Gravedigger only meant to kidnap the one boy, but then the other boy interfered, so he had to kidnap them both. EXCEPT: the container he’d procured only had enough air for them to live twelve hours, instead of the usual twenty-four hours, which meant that the boys died before their father could have raised the ransom even if he intended to. FURTHERMORE, there was a lot of blood in the container (a beer vat), inconsistent with any injuries that the team could at first see from the skeletons, UNTIL Zack figured out that one of the twins committed suicide by stabbing himself in the jugular with a pen and bleeding to death, in the hopes that his death would leave enough air for his brother to survive until he could be rescued. Heartbreaking and sad, but redemptive–also, pretty awesome detective work, squints!
  • The fallout: Brennan gets kidnapped by the Gravedigger! Which would be FINE BY ME, but then Hodgins gets involved and the Gravedigger runs him over with a car and then buries him in the ground with her. So they’re buried in Brennan’s car (?) underground, and the only have a few assets and they have to use science to save themselves because nobody’s paying the ransom per FBI policy. Meanwhile, they’ve only got twelve hours of air.
  • The confession: While down underground, Hodgins believes he’s going to die either of suffocation, the shock/pain of the compartment syndrome caused by the Gravedigger hitting him with the car, or the shock/pain of the impromptu surgery Brennan performs on him without anaesthesia (“or empathy”, Bones makes sure to note) to relieve the compartment syndrome . So Hodgins makes a sweet, sobbing confession–he’s in love with Angela, “over the moon, stupid in love” with her. He writes her a note in case he dies, and when they are rescued Angela kisses him. TJ Thyne is so great in this episode. The best scene is his scene with Angela at the end, when he’s in the lab and refuses to go home and go to sleep, because he’s afraid that if he closes his eyes, the next time he opens them he’ll be back underground in that car, running out of air. And Angela tells him to come home with her, that she’ll be there when he does open his eyes and he can take comfort in that. ADORBS!

Anyway. So. That’s when the show officially got me, and now I have! to! watch! every! episode! right! now! The show gets even better in the third season, when John Francis Daly (Sam Weir from Freaks and Geeks) joins the regular cast as Dr. Sweets, a psychiatrist employed by the FBI to be totally awesome and steal every scene. The only thing is, he’s twenty-three; for him to be a psychiatrist, he’d have to be a G-E-N-I-U-S and also have started undergrad at age fourteen. Implausible, I say, but fine, I love him, welcome to the show you sparkling gem of a man.

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I guess that depends upon how you define “class”

YOU. GUYS. I was doing research for work today and I stumbled upon–nay, I specifically sought out–the website of one Countess Luann deLesseps, whose book on etiquette comes out from Dutton/Gotham this summer. Perhaps you do not know the Luann. Perhaps you’re like, “De-what-now?” And that, my dear friends, would be such a shame. For the Countess Luann deLesseps is a character, I mean real! live! human!, on The Real Housewives of New York City.

340xNow, some people have less than polite nicknames for the Countess, but I just call her Luann. As if we’re on a first-name basis, even though we are not. She can call me Anna if she likes. Luann is awesome, and by awesome I mean completely narcissistic, mean and vapid, with a generous splash of snobbery. That’s why she’s on the show! Pure genius. I love it. Luann is not my favorite Housewife, naturally that would be Jill Zarin of Zarin Fabrics closely followed by Bethenny, who is loud and eye-roll-y just like yours truly. But LuAnn is a definite number three–I don’t even count that Kelly Bensimon woman, she’s new and boring–and for good reason.

First of all, she’s a Countess. OBVS. But she’s not a Countess because she was born into royalty. Oh, no. Details about her background are necessarily scanty, what with the probability she’s from some West Virginia backwater and is ashamed of that, which, don’t be, Luann, that makes this story so much better! She’s pretty stunning-looking, even now, even without the digital airbrushing Bravo won’t invest in, so it should shock no one that she was a model. It’s hard to know how she met and wooed her husband, the Count deLesseps, but she did! Luann is a winner. Now she goes about flaunting the title everywhere and anywhere (like on television!) and judging how classy people are, like, Luann, you’re on cable reality television and your live-in houekeeper raises your kids. Class is subjective!

Hold on, I’m totally sidetracked by Jill’s blog. This will make no sense to you if you haven’t seen Tuesday’s episode, but: “Governor…it was worse. Mario leaves the conversation and says  ‘don’t forget to watch the show’. Mario…he is BLIND. Unbelievable.” Team Jill!

Okay, back to Luann. I guess my point is that she has a website and that it’s hilarious. It contains such gems as “Champagne and gourmet doggy treats to celebrate our Highland Terrier Aston’s first birthday? Why not?” Um, because it’s a DOG, that’s why not. We’re in a recession. “I am fortunate to be able to pamper my pet while supporting many worthwhile charities, including, as many of you saw on last week’s RHONY show, the American Cancer Society.” EL OH EL. Luann, you’re ridiculous. Don’t ever change! Wait, I meant CHANGE, PLEASE FOR THE LOVE OF GOD CHANGE.

Actually, no. The whole point of watching Housewives is that rich people are almost entirely worthless human beings across the board. The indulgence is not watching them spend money, it’s watching them be worse people than you and the poors you know. So please, Luann, spend a ridiculous amount on your dog, because my level of personal satisfaction is directly proportional to how gluttonous you are. God, I wish her blog had comments enabled.

Can we just talk about Big Love for a second?

Because I just watched last Sunday’s episode (I know, I’m a bit behind, I was revising! Am revising…) and I cannot remember the last time I watched a better hour of television. Honestly, I’ve always loved this show, but this season has been gangbusters, y’all. It’s a bomb that just keeps blowing up: Barb’s cancer might be back! Roman’s in prison! Nikki’s undercover at the DA’s office! Kathy’s the mystery woman testifying against Roman! Lois tries to kill Frank! Bill takes a fourth wife! Sarah’s pregnant! Rhonda flies the coop! Nikki’s on birth control even though it’s apparently her celestial duty to have babies! The fourth wife divorces the family! Nikki’s boss at the DA’s office is totally in love with her! And, during last Sunday’s episode: BILL, BARB AND MARGIE FIND OUT ABOUT NIKKI’S BIRTH CONTROL! BILL’S TAKING VIAGRA! MARGIE AND BEN WALK IN ON EACH OTHER NAKED! BEN CONFESSES HIS LOVE FOR MARGIE! NIKKI’S PROBS AT LEAST A LITTLE BIT IN LOVE WITH HER BOSS! SARAH LOSES HER BABY! TEENY IS STILL SO WEIRD! OMFG THE DRAMZ!

Seriously, if you don’t watch this show you are completely missing out. It’s always been quietly, under-the-radar good, but now all the tensions and craziness that’s been building up over the last two seasons is leaking out–flooding out, really. I had always predicted that it would be Margie who would jump ship first, but now with what we know about Nikki I’m pretty sure she’s at least going to have an extramarital affair with her boss (this, by the way, is the only way I can in good conscience support cheating: WHEN YOUR MARRIAGE ISN’T REAL IN THE FIRST PLACE and YOU ARE ONE OF THREE “WIVES”). I’m also pretty sure that Margie and Ben are going to hook up, despite the impassioned speech she gave him last week about how he had to get over his feelings for her immediately because she loves him, but as a mother, and it’s SO not going to happen EVER. I even believed her. I still think a Marge/Ben hookup is totally going to happen.

Amanda Seyfried is killing me with her acting skillz right now. Sarah has been getting quite the shaft since forever, since before the show started when her mom almost died from cancer and suddenly the family couldn’t employ outside help without Bill up and marrying her (for those not familiar with the show, second wife Nikki was first wife Barb’s nursemaid when she was sick and third wife Margene was the babysitter). The burden of her family’s big honking secret coupled with her complete disgust with polygamy made her a semi-voluntary social outcast and ersatz mother to a bunch of rugrats birthed by Nikki and Margie, and then she finally bares her soul to someone, makes a best friend and finds a boyfriend, and then she gets pregnant! I’ve always liked Scott, even though I’m sure there are people out there that think he’s creepy, but he genuinely cares about Sarah so I’m a little concerned now that she’s dumped him. She needed a connection to the real world and he was it and now he’s gone and now the baby’s gone…oh, Sarah needs some therapy, like, IMMEDIATELY if not sooner. Before she hooks up with her uncle (he’s her age, and he’s only her half uncle, but still, EW, that is some VC Andrews shit right there) and starts doing something destructive. At least she told her parents about losing the baby and despite the fact that Barb had a complete whack attack when she thought Nikki’s birth control pills were Sarah’s they seemed pretty supportive about it. I mean, they’re not monsters, how else could they be but supportive? Still…I’m worried about her.

EL OH EL isn’t it hilarious that I’m talking about them like they’re real people? Watch this show, friends. It’s amazing.

It’s a term of endearment

In my apparently neverending quest to bring you You Tube promos for doomed projects Veronica Mars alumni are going to be in, I must follow up the last post with this: Rockville, CA, or The OC: It Wasn’t Even Very Good The First Time, But Here It Is Again:

That was Ryan Hansen as “Chambers”, otherwise known as “The Douche.” Obvs, Josh Schwartz created this. What’s not to love?

Did you say “everything except Ryan Hansen”? That’s what I thought you said.

What happened to your face?

Guess what I found on the intertubes today? It’s a trailer for a show about a group of wannabe actors in LA who are just cater waiting (GEDDIT?!) for their big break. It stars, like, half the cast of Veronica Mars (JAY KAY, just Ryan Hansen and Ken Marino, but I love them), Lizzy Caplan (of Mean Girls/The Class fame–did anyone else watch The Class?), and Jane Lynch (of everything imaginable, but apparently she was in The 40 Year Old Virgin). Also, Enrico Colantoni, Jason Dohring, Ed Begly Jr., and Kristen Bell (ALL OF VERONICA MARS FAME) are going to guest. It’s called Party Down, and it was created by Rob Thomas, the creator of Veronica Mars.

A while back I did a “Where are they now?” Veronica Mars edition, but I forgot Robbie T, so can we just talk about Rob Thomas for a second? Now, I loved Veronica Mars. LOVED IT. So I don’t want to speak ill of the creator of one of the best shows on television ever. But my feeling is that he has way too many pots on the stove these days, because I’m quickly losing faith. He was the one who got the 90210 reboot started, and maybe people still watch that, but I couldn’t sit through five minutes of it. If he didn’t plan on sticking around and making sure it was a decent show, WHY EVEN DO IT? And then there’s his show Cupid, which originally starred Jeremy Piven and Paula Marshall (you may remember her as the guidance counselor on the first season of VM; she dated Keith) and is now being resurrected with Bobby Cannavale (Will’s boyfriend Vince on Will & Grace) and Sarah Paulson (Harriet from Studio 60 on the Sunset Strip). Except:

Yeah. I’m understandably skeptical. I believe the conceit of the show is that Bobby and Sarah are supposed to fall in love with each other, and yet I cannot see that working. I predict it will be canceled quicker than the old Cupid, which I’ve never seen. Rob Thomas was also involved in Big Shots, which, if you remember it, you know died a quick death because it wasn’t very good. So…maybe we should just focus on one thing at a time, Robbie T, okay? Because you’re awesome. But some of your shows…not so much. Although I promise to give Cupid a try before totally giving up on it.

Dead Like Me: Life After Death liveblog

Layout 1I don’t know if you know this, but I’m a huge Dead Like Me fan. I was always really sad that the show only got two seasons, and also that it ended so abruptly. My sister Fish alerted me to the fact that they were making a movie, although she did extensively lament the fact that Mandy Patinkin (Rube) wasn’t involved. The movie came out yesterday (it was straight-to-DVD) and of course immediately showed up on Surf the Channel, which is why I love that freakin’ site. At first I was Twittering my thoughts, but then I was like, “You know what? I’m going to keep wanting to say things, and am I seriously going to have three pages of tweets about this?” So I decided about fifteen minutes in to do a live blog while I watched. This is the first one I’ve ever done, so I guess we’ll see how ridiculous it is. Ready, set, go!

If you’re not familiar with the show, it’s about a young girl named Georgia “George” Lass (Ellen Muth) who died at eighteen after being hit by a toilet seat from the Mir Space Station upon its reentry into the Earth’s atmosphere. She joined the ranks of the reapers, dead folk who take the souls of the living just before they shuffle off this mortal coil, and fellow lost souls Betty (Rebecca Gayheart, left halfway into season one), Daisy (Laura Harris, replaced Betty), Mason (Callum Blue), and Roxy (Jasmine Guy) become her makeshift family. They are given their reaping assignments by boss cum father figure Rube (Mandy Patinkin) and mostly hang out at a restaurant called Der Wafflehaus. The catch of being a reaper is that they can be seen by people and interacted with (they appear to the world differently than they did when they were alive, but they see each other the way they looked then); they need jobs and transportation and have no special powers aside from the reaping thing. In secret, George frequently checks in on her family, whom she mostly resented when she was alive; it consists of her mother Joy (Cynthia Stevenson), her father Clancy (Greg Kean), and her little sister Reggie (Brit McKillip). George also has a job at the Happy Time Temp Agency, working under a woman named Dolores Herbig (“as in ‘her big brown eyes'”). Okay, I think that’s all you need to know. Let’s roll.

15:05 Der Wafflehaus burned down, sad. 😦 Impressions so far: I miss Rube way more than I thought I would. They have recast the Daisy Adair character, who was played to perfection by Laura Harris but is now being played by this ridiculously terrible Sarah Wynter person who I only recognize, get this, from the pilot of Sex and the City (she’s the British woman whose boyfriend takes her to look at property about ten minutes after they start dating and then eventually stops calling, which, duh). Daisy is my favorite character, so as you can imagine I’m very upset about this. They seem to have dropped the Daisy/Mason ‘ship, which is good because it worked between Callum Blue and Laura Harris but with this Sarah Wynter it would be a nightmare. Britt McKillip (Reggie) has grown up to be very pretty and actually looks a lot like Ellen Muth (George), which is convenient. They’ve replaced Rube with some d-bag named Cameron Kane (Henry Ian Cusick) who died in 9/11 and is training them to get their reap information on Trios. Holy 2006 product placement, Batman! At the very least, use iPhones. It’s Seattle, not darkest Peru. Last but not least, they’ve recast the girl who plays “Millie”, George’s face-to-the-world; this new one is much prettier, but also less awesome.

15:28 Oooooh, a boy likes Reggie! He smiled at her. She’s a bad driver and also sort of a sour puss sad sack. She is George’s sister, after all!

16:15 Joy wrote a book about grief? It has George on the cover. CREEEEEEPY!

17:33 I forgot that everyone thinks George is a recovering alcoholic because that’s her cover for the reaper meetings. Dolores has Murray the cat strapped to her chest like an infant. Oh boy, that’s so Bri’s future.

22:24 Wow, the Happy Time offices got a major face lift. I don’t understand this mock interview scene.

25:20 George is a literal ambulence chaser now. Also, she missed her reap. Cue the world crumbling.

26:50 OH GOD DAISY LOOKS ATROSH. This woman’s performance is seriously under par.

29:47 Okay, the new boss is David Bowie in Labyrinth-level creepy. He keeps calling George “Princess” and actually just KISSED her. On the lips. IN SLOW MOTION. Who directed this thing?

34:30 The boy who smiled at Reggie earlier is George’s failed reap. Name is Hudson Hart. Not only that, but she can’t take his soul now; he’s on life support. Reg just stopped by to see him and some bitchy girl who looks like Shenae Grimes (you know her from Degrassi and 90210! ugh) tells her to leave. SNAP! Poor Reg.

35:43 OMG SCANDALZ! Looks like Reg was secretly dating Hudson, or so says the pictures of them canoodling that she tore up and threw in the trash outside of the hospital that George picked up.

37:01 Figures Megavideo stops working during Reggie’s sexy flashback. Actually, Megavideo, I have not watched 72 minutes of video today. I’ve watched THIRTY SEVEN minutes of video today. I guess I have to watch a season 2 episode on Netflix Watch Instantly while I’m waiting to get the privilege of watching more Megavideo.

37:47 And we’re back! Who knows for how long, though. Hudson says he loves Reggie, but he wants to keep their relationship a secret. Reg, from one woman to another: that is never a good sign. Also, apparently he has a public girlfriend, who Joy calls a “beautiful girl.” Nice, Joy. WAY TO PAY ATTENTION. I love Joy and I appreciate how she’s really trying with Reggie, but she really hasn’t learned anything from George’s death.

40:46 Roxy: “There are no consequences for anything we do.” Uhhhhh….

43:20 I can’t decide if this random comic book stylization that happens every once in a while is cool or just unnecessary. Cool, I think.

43:55 Roxy just saved a reap. This is not good.

47:08 Daisy just tripped an actress so that she could take over her part in a play. Also, the woman who plays this actress would’ve made a better replacement for Laura Harris than the other girl they’ve got here.

49:32 Daisy just lost it on stage. Like, LOST IT. It was totally dumb. Oh, she was drunk. Who wrote this thing?

50:46 What is going on with Mason? For the first time in forever, the reapers are the least interesting part of this show. Movie. Whatever. More Reggie!

52:27 No. More. Daisy. PLEASE! Although, her reap from the beginning of the movie has turned into a poltergeist. That’s interesting. Not at all relevant, though.

53:59 The reap Roxy saved died anyway. Duh. Haven’t you ever seen the Final Destination movies, Roxy?

56:06 Sweet sisterly heart-to-heart. Reg doesn’t know it’s George yet, but I’m guessing she eventually will. They’re talking about Hudson. Reg doesn’t want Hudson’s friends to think that he’d like someone like her, JIC he dies and it ruins their perfect illusion of him being a d-bag who only dates cheerleaders although, QUITE FRANKLY, it doesn’t seem, from the evidence shown in his interactions with Reggie, that he’s really any better than that. George left cab money (“for you to get to the hospital”) in the tip jar.

56:58 Uh, whoops, Reggie runs into George at the hospital as she tries for the frillionth time to reap Hudson to no great effect. She chases George down and, inexplicably, GETS INTO THE CAR WITH HER, because that is what you do when you feel like you’re being stalked, GET INTO THE CAR WITH YOUR STALKER. Real smart, Reg.

57:23 George told Reggie who she is! The way she proves it is by reciting a litany of horrible things that she did to Reggie when she was little. Nice, George. Reggie: “I think I’m gonna puke.” George: “Do it out the window, I just detailed the car.”

59:00 The Lass girls have another heart-to-heart, this time for real, even though the inevitable consequence of that is that Reggie thinks she’s losing her mind, that George is a figment of her imagination. Sad pancakes.

1:00:20 Uh oh, George just lost her job at Happy Time. Oh, and Reg wants to move in with her. That sounds like a good plan. Is George still living with Daisy in that house Mason gave them?

1:02:48 The chuckleheads have come to their senses about how lame a reap leader (terminology??) that Cameron guy is (although, to be honest, I don’t get his presence in this story whatsoever) and decided that they’re going above his head. What would Rube do? being the guiding mantra. This will not end well.

1:03:14 Unless Cameron is in some way an imposter, I don’t get this. Death/God/whoever would not appoint someone like him to take care of the reapers. It makes no sense. Oh, good, Roxy knocked him unconscious and they’re coming up with a plan.

1:06:01 Aw, George got Reg to go to the hospital and apparently Hudson asked for her. His parents are excited to meet her. Well, as excited as you can be about anything when your son is practically comatose, and also despite the fact that they A.) thought Reggie was a boy (her real name is Regina) and B.) he has a girlfriend already and they have no idea who Reggie is at all. Oh, NO NO NO. George just got a text message on her Trio saying that she needs to reap him now. Hudson’s dead. REALLY SAD PANCAKES.

1:09:16 Hudson’s soul wants Reggie to know that he’s sorry he kept her a secret. It took dying to figure that out, did it? Cute. You’re a jerk. Enjoy your football game-themed heaven. Meanwhile, Reggie is out of control speeding in George’s car. I like how George’s main argument against Reggie killing herself is that her soul hasn’t been reaped and therefore it will hurt a lot. THAT’s your strategy? “Have you ever hit a wall at 100 mph? Ouch!” George talks her down, and then tells her that she can’t see her anymore, and then OH WAIT MEGAVIDEO SAYS I NEED TO WAIT 54 MINUTES TO SEE THE LAST TWENTY MINUTES OF THIS MOVIE. I hate Megavideo.

While we wait, here’s a question: Why is it that the only convincing romance this show has ever had was the one between George and that schizophrenic guy, Ronnie, she reaped in the first season? I don’t have an answer to that, but feel free to let it keep you up at night.

1:12:01 Aww, George learned a lesson about how she should’ve been nicer to her family when she was alive. Except, wasn’t she learning that all through the first and second seasons? Shouldn’t she have figured that out by now? Oh well, at least she told Reggie she loved her before kicking her Lindsay Lohan-outfit wearing ass to the curb.

1:13:01 The other chuckleheads are trying to “kill” Cameron Kane because he’s “evil”, which, I would buy that if he had done ANYTHING AT ALL except force them to use Trios, which I agree is pretty mean, and not give sage advice like Rube. Also, you can’t kill him, you idiots; he’s already dead. That’s how he has the job he has! Morons.

1:13:23 Gunshot to the head: FAIL.

1:13:43 Drowning in fountain: FAIL.

1:13:57 Dear God, Mason’s breaking out the chainsaw. Remind me again why this guy has to be disposed of? He seems pretty bored with you clowns, I think he’d just…go away if you ignored him for 8.5 seconds.

1:14:36 George is with Dolores at the vet’s, and a little blond girl just reaped Murray, so he’s a goner. (In the mythology of the show, dead kids reap animal souls.) Too much time in this already short movie was spent on Murray’s fate. Too much time in the show in general was spent on it, actually.

1:15:06 Oh yeah. I forgot that J.D. (the dog George inherited from a reap that she gave to her mother and sister) died. Sad pancakes.

1:15:29 Aw, Joy finds Reggie at George’s grave. Remember the end of the second season, when George appears to them at her grave, looking like she did when she was alive because it was Halloween? WHOA, Reggie is whoopsing George’s continued existence to Joy. Joy naturally thinks Reg is loony tunes. They decide to go on vacay, a road trip, because when you think your child is having a nervous breakdown the obvious solution is highway hypnosis.

1:18:25 The chuckleheads are roasting marshmallows over what I assume is the fire they set to Cameron’s chopped up remains, which, ew. Also, WHY? George seems to accept this no problem.

1:20:53 Okay, Dolores’ extreme attachment to her cat is no longer funny. It’s just sad. In the pathetic way. I’m all for loving pets, but seriously?

1:21:11 It might be a little late to not go with the flow here, but A. how did they get permission to shoot Murray’s ashes up into SPACE? Is that a thing you can do now? B. Since when is there a rocket launch location in Seattle?

1:22:14 George stops by one more time as Joy and Reggie leave for their vacation. Imagine my excitement when George and Reggie catch eyes and “Boom Boom Ba” by Metisse (a song they used a lot during the first season) starts playing.

1:22:52 George gets hit with a shower of Post-Its. Oh God. Someone in upper management put her in charge of that merry band of fools. In her own words: “I am so fucked.” You’re not the only one, pal.

Okay, I’m glad I didn’t buy this. It was not the best thing in the universe. I liked the whole Reggie/George storyline, but the rest was gibberish. It really suffered the loss of Mandy Patinkin and Laura Harris and they bent the rules they created which I never countenance. Hope you enjoyed the liveblog! Verdict: You don’t have to see the movie; the show’s two seasons will do.

Childhood trauma revisited

Storytime.

When my brother and I were kids, he had this horrific set of video tapes (tapes! that you had to rewind! I KNOW RIGHT) that he would watch all the time, probably to make up for all the Strawberry Shortcake he demanded to watch as a small child, I don’t know. Anyway, the series was called Inhumanoids, and boy, was it TERRIFYING. At least, it was to me.

Does anyone else remember this series? I don’t know exactly how old we were when it was giving me nightmares, since it was created in 1986 and my brother was born that year, so probably these were old tapes that somebody sensible had returned to Wal-Mart and my dad had bought ten years later on clearance to give my brother ammo to scare the crap out of me with, because that’s how we show love in the Jarzab family.

I had a pretty overactive imagination as a kid, and a sensitivity problem (meaning I was way too sensitive). There was an extensive period of time when I slept with the covers wrapped around my neck or over my head because I literally believed vampires existed and they were evil (pre-Edward Cullen, obvs) and that they would come at any moment to suck my blood. Also, I believed that when you flushed the toilet witches flew out (I always imagine them now as the witches from The Nightmare Before Christmas, but I’m pretty sure this fear predates that movie), so I would close the lid, flush and RUN.

Anyway, so I was also highly suggestible. I really feared these Inhumanoid creatures. They were all pretty scary, but the one that I absolutely could not handle the thought of was D’Compose (judging from the way he spells his name, I’m almost certain that this fiend is European; prove me wrong). D’Compose was awful. He could kill you–basically, make you decompose, geddit?–just by touching you with his finger. I know, right? You’re already quaking. Me too. Actually, Wikipedia puts it thusly: “With the merest touch of his decrepit claw, D’Compose can turn his victims into frightening undead monstrosities (usually enlarging human victims to a gigantic size in the process).” Gross. Don’t touch me, D’Compose.

My brother, because we’re so close and he loves me so much, used to sneak up behind me in the dark and jab me with his pointer finger while moaning, “Dee-com-pose,” in a voice like a creaky step. UGH! Even the thought of it makes me want to cry.

So anyway, after remembering all this childhood trauma, I was like, “I should find a picture of D’Compose to show all my Internet friends the monstrosity which caused all this mortal fear.” But apparently not everything about the eighties has been archived on the Google yet, so an image search yielded naught but this. Prepare yourself for the SHOCK OF YOUR LIFE. Shield the eyes of your children!

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Erm…forgive me, but would it be fair to say that not only does the formerly horrifying D’Compose seem sort of non-threatening, he seems a little bit…cuddly to me? I mean, yeah, okay, giant fangs, claws, exposed rib cage, rotting flesh–I see all these things, too. But, to be honest, he’s really not all that bad. Maybe he’s just misunderstood.

But seriously, D’Compose. Don’t touch me.