At least she’s got that dead-eyed stare down

My blog stats are taking a nose dive, and you know what that means! Time to start talking about Twilight again. What? It’s not like I didn’t warn you that that’s my strategy. Haters to the left.

344802103_1edeec9687When I first heard rumblings that they were going to cast Dakota Fanning in New Moon, I was all, “What is this noise? Who would she even play? It’s not like there are any preternaturally intelligent creepmaster flash children in this series.” At least not until Breaking Dawn. ZING! I’ll be here forever. Try the stuffed chicken breasts. (Okay, you’re right, that was not a zing.)

First of all, fun fact: after being ten-going-on-eighty-seven for the past, oh, century, apparently Dakota Fanning is almost fifteen now. Speaking of vampires, I always kind of thought of her as a real-life Claudia from Interview With the Vampire. Now that theory is ruined, although we’d really have to test her DNA to be sure.

Second of all, funner fact: people are saying that they’re going to cast her as Jane in New Moon. Personally, I think this casting choice, if indeed it is true, which, shouldn’t this all be settled right now? Don’t they have to start shooting this movie two weeks ago if it’s supposed to come out before the end of the year? Or are we in for yet another faithful but soulless adaptation, complete with clumsy editing and a terrible soundtrack, because nobody seems even remotely capable of planning ahead and the whole thing gets rushed? At least they’ve got more money this time around, so maybe the Volturi temple of doom set will be kick ass.

What was I saying? Oh, this casting choice is dead on. I barely remember Jane, but what I do remember was that she was small and creepy and had truly terrifying mind powers–I think maybe she was able to make people feel excruciating pain they weren’t really experiencing? That’s bananas. Which leads me to a question: Aro is, like, totally power hungry and yet he and his posse of ancient bloodsucking lunatics have absolutely no desire to maybe take over the world? Why don’t vampires rule the universe, if indeed they’re so impossible to outwit or defeat? Why are they afraid of being revealed to the world by mad hoards of newborn vamps or Edward stepping into a crowded Italian piazza and *~*SPARKLING*~*?

I think about this way too much. Time to get a life.

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Gwenyth Paltrow wants you to know that she reads

Does anyone else subscribe to GOOP, Gwyneth Paltrow’s weekly email newsletter that is supposed to “nourish the inner aspect”, whatever that gibberish is supposed to mean? You should. It’s HILARIOUS. It’s supposed to be for the common (wo)man, I think, except it’s possible that Gwyneth Paltrow’s idea of the “common (wo)man” is vastly different from, like, my own experience and reality in general. It appears that she thinks what separates herself from the rest of us rubes is that we’re too lazy to eat organic and hire a personal trainer or whatever. Also that paparazzi don’t follow us around all the time, because of course we’re not interesting enough, for that or to have our own weekly lifestyle newsletter. Oh, I’ve been WONDERING what to do with my Christian Laboutin booties! Pair them with $75 tights? To die!

Obvs, this is a true gem of the internets. I subscribed several of my friends without their knowledge. Anyway, today’s GOOP is particularly relevant to this blog because Gwyneth tackles the subject of “amazing, transportive novels.” She’s asked her friends for suggestions, because she prefers forensic pathology documentaries…naturally! (What?) Just kidding, she adds her own favorite books as well–Gwyneth reads, people! She wants you to know that!

It’s pretty much what you’d expect. You’ve got some Tolstoy, some Marquez, some Faulkner, some Hemingway, some Dostoevsky, some Bronte. Fine. Boring, but fine. I’m sure these women really treasure these novels, and what makes me sure of this is that the whole world treasures these novels. They’re classics, DUH. I don’t really need Gwyneth Paltrow to tell me to read Pride and Prejudice, I got that memo in the fourth grade. But the list does have some little secret surprises. Like, did you know that Christy Turlington is pursuing her master’s degree in Public Health from Columbia? I didn’t!

Madonna’s list is probably the most interesting, because she lists The Time Traveler’s Wife (one of my personal favorites), The Bad Girl by Mario Vargas Llosa, and Shantaram by Gregory David Roberts. I’ve never even heard of the last two, hard as that is to admit. What’s funny about that section is that while every other person who submitted a list (without exception, all of these women are not only great readers but also “amazing mothers”) included an explanation of why they loved the novels they chose, Madonna didn’t. Just a terse three-book list. Ha! Oh Madonna, so mysterious. If that woman ever says anything that wasn’t previously vetted by a publicist, I’ll die of shock. Also, Stella McCartney’s (I guess, she only refers to her as “Stella”, but they’re friends right?) aunt Louise loves Alice Munro, and so I love Aunt Louise.

I should start my own similar newsletter, although I suspect this is how it would go:

You guys would read that, wouldn’t you? I hereby swear: unlike Gwyneth, I won’t say anything underminey that basically translates to “You are fat.”

Elsewhere in the celebrity lifestyle bloguverse, The Office‘s Mindy Kaling’s blog is beyond awesome. Check out things i bought that i love when you have a moment.