Every body has secrets

How does one follow up a post where they debut their cover for the first time and everybody cheers because it’s just so beautiful thank you so much Delacorte!? One does not. So instead of trying, I’m going to talk about Bones.

Bones is my most recent televisual obsession. I have this thing where I like to watch television while I’m revising, so I’ll do like two pages of revisions and then bounce back to the show and watch five minutes of it, then bounce back to the manuscript, ad infinitum. I think that adds up to more television watched than pages revised, but whatever, it’s my process, don’t hate. I made my way through all the House, Psych, Dollhouse (still not sure about that show), and Monk episodes on Hulu and finally I was like, “You know what? What’s wrong with Bones?”

Nothing, that’s what. Bones is like a poor man’s X-Files, although I take some umbrage at the Emily Deschanel character. Temperance Brennan, I know Dana Scully, and you, my dear, are no Dana Scully. You can love science while also being a human being, Tempe. There’s no way Angela would be best friends with this automaton. Booth, for some reason, I can see liking her, but Angela…I just feel like she’s too cool for that shit.

Anyway. What’s so great about this show? David Boreanaz, duh. And I like procedurals in general. Plus, Hart Hanson worked on Joan of Arcadia for a while and I love that show. But also: everyone else. I was sort of “meh” about Bones for a while, as I watched the first season’s episodes, but then I saw the only second season episode they have on Hulu and I finally gave in to the love in my heart. It’s called “Aliens in a Spaceship”, and the villain of the episode is a kidnapper/murderer called the Gravedigger, because he/she kidnaps rich people and then buries them underground in an airtight container until the ransom is paid. There are so many reasons why this episode is awesome, so I’ll just list them for your convenience:

  • The crime: The two victims were twin teenage boys whose daddy is wealthy. According to their father, they were brats, spoiled and badly behaved, like that’s not his fault but whatever. They died because their father, on the advice of the FBI, refused to pay the ransom. OR SO WE ALL THOUGHT. It turns out that the Gravedigger only meant to kidnap the one boy, but then the other boy interfered, so he had to kidnap them both. EXCEPT: the container he’d procured only had enough air for them to live twelve hours, instead of the usual twenty-four hours, which meant that the boys died before their father could have raised the ransom even if he intended to. FURTHERMORE, there was a lot of blood in the container (a beer vat), inconsistent with any injuries that the team could at first see from the skeletons, UNTIL Zack figured out that one of the twins committed suicide by stabbing himself in the jugular with a pen and bleeding to death, in the hopes that his death would leave enough air for his brother to survive until he could be rescued. Heartbreaking and sad, but redemptive–also, pretty awesome detective work, squints!
  • The fallout: Brennan gets kidnapped by the Gravedigger! Which would be FINE BY ME, but then Hodgins gets involved and the Gravedigger runs him over with a car and then buries him in the ground with her. So they’re buried in Brennan’s car (?) underground, and the only have a few assets and they have to use science to save themselves because nobody’s paying the ransom per FBI policy. Meanwhile, they’ve only got twelve hours of air.
  • The confession: While down underground, Hodgins believes he’s going to die either of suffocation, the shock/pain of the compartment syndrome caused by the Gravedigger hitting him with the car, or the shock/pain of the impromptu surgery Brennan performs on him without anaesthesia (“or empathy”, Bones makes sure to note) to relieve the compartment syndrome . So Hodgins makes a sweet, sobbing confession–he’s in love with Angela, “over the moon, stupid in love” with her. He writes her a note in case he dies, and when they are rescued Angela kisses him. TJ Thyne is so great in this episode. The best scene is his scene with Angela at the end, when he’s in the lab and refuses to go home and go to sleep, because he’s afraid that if he closes his eyes, the next time he opens them he’ll be back underground in that car, running out of air. And Angela tells him to come home with her, that she’ll be there when he does open his eyes and he can take comfort in that. ADORBS!

Anyway. So. That’s when the show officially got me, and now I have! to! watch! every! episode! right! now! The show gets even better in the third season, when John Francis Daly (Sam Weir from Freaks and Geeks) joins the regular cast as Dr. Sweets, a psychiatrist employed by the FBI to be totally awesome and steal every scene. The only thing is, he’s twenty-three; for him to be a psychiatrist, he’d have to be a G-E-N-I-U-S and also have started undergrad at age fourteen. Implausible, I say, but fine, I love him, welcome to the show you sparkling gem of a man.

I guess that depends upon how you define “class”

YOU. GUYS. I was doing research for work today and I stumbled upon–nay, I specifically sought out–the website of one Countess Luann deLesseps, whose book on etiquette comes out from Dutton/Gotham this summer. Perhaps you do not know the Luann. Perhaps you’re like, “De-what-now?” And that, my dear friends, would be such a shame. For the Countess Luann deLesseps is a character, I mean real! live! human!, on The Real Housewives of New York City.

340xNow, some people have less than polite nicknames for the Countess, but I just call her Luann. As if we’re on a first-name basis, even though we are not. She can call me Anna if she likes. Luann is awesome, and by awesome I mean completely narcissistic, mean and vapid, with a generous splash of snobbery. That’s why she’s on the show! Pure genius. I love it. Luann is not my favorite Housewife, naturally that would be Jill Zarin of Zarin Fabrics closely followed by Bethenny, who is loud and eye-roll-y just like yours truly. But LuAnn is a definite number three–I don’t even count that Kelly Bensimon woman, she’s new and boring–and for good reason.

First of all, she’s a Countess. OBVS. But she’s not a Countess because she was born into royalty. Oh, no. Details about her background are necessarily scanty, what with the probability she’s from some West Virginia backwater and is ashamed of that, which, don’t be, Luann, that makes this story so much better! She’s pretty stunning-looking, even now, even without the digital airbrushing Bravo won’t invest in, so it should shock no one that she was a model. It’s hard to know how she met and wooed her husband, the Count deLesseps, but she did! Luann is a winner. Now she goes about flaunting the title everywhere and anywhere (like on television!) and judging how classy people are, like, Luann, you’re on cable reality television and your live-in houekeeper raises your kids. Class is subjective!

Hold on, I’m totally sidetracked by Jill’s blog. This will make no sense to you if you haven’t seen Tuesday’s episode, but: “Governor…it was worse. Mario leaves the conversation and says  ‘don’t forget to watch the show’. Mario…he is BLIND. Unbelievable.” Team Jill!

Okay, back to Luann. I guess my point is that she has a website and that it’s hilarious. It contains such gems as “Champagne and gourmet doggy treats to celebrate our Highland Terrier Aston’s first birthday? Why not?” Um, because it’s a DOG, that’s why not. We’re in a recession. “I am fortunate to be able to pamper my pet while supporting many worthwhile charities, including, as many of you saw on last week’s RHONY show, the American Cancer Society.” EL OH EL. Luann, you’re ridiculous. Don’t ever change! Wait, I meant CHANGE, PLEASE FOR THE LOVE OF GOD CHANGE.

Actually, no. The whole point of watching Housewives is that rich people are almost entirely worthless human beings across the board. The indulgence is not watching them spend money, it’s watching them be worse people than you and the poors you know. So please, Luann, spend a ridiculous amount on your dog, because my level of personal satisfaction is directly proportional to how gluttonous you are. God, I wish her blog had comments enabled.

Oh, so THIS is what it feels like to be productive

Ladies and gentlemen, I had one of the most productive weekends ever. I’m very proud of myself for getting stuff done, because I normally have big plans for my weekends and then I end up sitting in my pajamas all day eating ramen and watching Monk on Hulu (I did that anyway this weekend, but for once I balanced it out).

As you probably already know, finishing my revisions has been the monumental goal in my life for the last week, so Friday I opted not to go out with friends and instead went home to work. I got through about thirty pages, which is respectable, but not great. I also watched some TV on the Internet, because I’m incorrigible, and I finished reading Agatha Christie’s Hallowe’en Party, which was pretty good and I even solved! the! mystery! before Poirot exposed the criminal(s).

On Saturday, my friend/coworker/web designer/brother from another mother, Eric, picked me up and took me to IKEA, because he’s just that awesome. I bought a bookcase and a new dresser (mine is quite literally falling to pieces), plus some knives (IKEA has the best knives, you heard it hear first), some extra plastic utensils, a replacement corkscrew (ours cost $3 at a bodega and is a terrible piece of worthless plastic; the IKEA one cost $2.50 and is an indestructible brushed steel), a couple of document boxes, and two chocolate bars.

Let me opine for a second about the IKEA chocolate bars. My friend Marisa handed me a dollar on Friday and asked me to bring her one. She also said, “Please get one for yourself; you won’t regret it.” I did what she said and I bought two milk chocolate bars, even though I’m not the biggest fan of sweets (I’m much more of a salty/savory person by nature). Guys? I ate the whole thing as soon as I got home. It was delish. Late last year I bought a Cadbury bar at the grocery story, as my once-every-three-months sweet tooth demanded, and it was not very good. I would later discover that the Cadbury brand in the US is actually just Nestle or Hershey’s or whoever owns them–it’s not actual Cadbury chocolate. Gross, right? Well, IKEA tastes just like Cadbury, so I was very gratified. It’ll hold me over until May, when I’m going to England and plan on importing several Cadbury chocolate bars.

On Saturday night I went out to dinner in the Financial District, which, guys? Just don’t do it. This is a little New York advice from me to you. I’ve spent more time in the Financial District than I ever cared to in the year and a half I’ve lived in New York, and other than Trinity Church and some of the old New Amsterdam stuff still around (which is way cool), it’s pretty worthless in the off-hours. I came up from the subway at 9:30 and of course it was dark and deserted and while I didn’t feel unsafe, necessarily, I get really turned around in that neighborhood and it’s just not great. Also, the restaurant was totally empty, which is creeptastic on the weekend at the dinner hour. Then we went to a ridiculous house party at this giant apartment that used to be a nightclub that our friend Kyle’s friend owns; there was a salsa band and Kyle somehow got control of the remote for the projector and put on The Beach (??) and it was PACKED, although we stuck together and didn’t mingle because none of the people were interesting to or interested in us. You can only have a party like that in the Financial District; anywhere else and your neighbors would call the cops in three seconds.

On Sunday I watched like 15 hours of Psych on Hulu, put together my bookcase, rearranged the living room a little, went to Bed, Bath and Beyond and got a bunch of stuff including a vacuum (!!), took out all the garbage and the recylcing in the entire apartment (which was a lot), moved all my books out to the bookcase and now I can finally BREATHE in my bedroom, and cleaned my room a little. I thought that was enough; I was like, “Anna, you don’t have to do any more revisions today, you’re good.” But then I was watching Psych and Friday Night Lights and I just kept going, “One more page, I’ll just work on one more page,” until everything was finished. Finished! Although not quite finished. I still have some flags in the MS of notes I have to go back to, and my editor gave me a one-page editorial letter with some clarifications and I have to make sure all those got taken care of. But the big work is done. And I’m feeling very accomplished.

Can we just talk about Big Love for a second?

Because I just watched last Sunday’s episode (I know, I’m a bit behind, I was revising! Am revising…) and I cannot remember the last time I watched a better hour of television. Honestly, I’ve always loved this show, but this season has been gangbusters, y’all. It’s a bomb that just keeps blowing up: Barb’s cancer might be back! Roman’s in prison! Nikki’s undercover at the DA’s office! Kathy’s the mystery woman testifying against Roman! Lois tries to kill Frank! Bill takes a fourth wife! Sarah’s pregnant! Rhonda flies the coop! Nikki’s on birth control even though it’s apparently her celestial duty to have babies! The fourth wife divorces the family! Nikki’s boss at the DA’s office is totally in love with her! And, during last Sunday’s episode: BILL, BARB AND MARGIE FIND OUT ABOUT NIKKI’S BIRTH CONTROL! BILL’S TAKING VIAGRA! MARGIE AND BEN WALK IN ON EACH OTHER NAKED! BEN CONFESSES HIS LOVE FOR MARGIE! NIKKI’S PROBS AT LEAST A LITTLE BIT IN LOVE WITH HER BOSS! SARAH LOSES HER BABY! TEENY IS STILL SO WEIRD! OMFG THE DRAMZ!

Seriously, if you don’t watch this show you are completely missing out. It’s always been quietly, under-the-radar good, but now all the tensions and craziness that’s been building up over the last two seasons is leaking out–flooding out, really. I had always predicted that it would be Margie who would jump ship first, but now with what we know about Nikki I’m pretty sure she’s at least going to have an extramarital affair with her boss (this, by the way, is the only way I can in good conscience support cheating: WHEN YOUR MARRIAGE ISN’T REAL IN THE FIRST PLACE and YOU ARE ONE OF THREE “WIVES”). I’m also pretty sure that Margie and Ben are going to hook up, despite the impassioned speech she gave him last week about how he had to get over his feelings for her immediately because she loves him, but as a mother, and it’s SO not going to happen EVER. I even believed her. I still think a Marge/Ben hookup is totally going to happen.

Amanda Seyfried is killing me with her acting skillz right now. Sarah has been getting quite the shaft since forever, since before the show started when her mom almost died from cancer and suddenly the family couldn’t employ outside help without Bill up and marrying her (for those not familiar with the show, second wife Nikki was first wife Barb’s nursemaid when she was sick and third wife Margene was the babysitter). The burden of her family’s big honking secret coupled with her complete disgust with polygamy made her a semi-voluntary social outcast and ersatz mother to a bunch of rugrats birthed by Nikki and Margie, and then she finally bares her soul to someone, makes a best friend and finds a boyfriend, and then she gets pregnant! I’ve always liked Scott, even though I’m sure there are people out there that think he’s creepy, but he genuinely cares about Sarah so I’m a little concerned now that she’s dumped him. She needed a connection to the real world and he was it and now he’s gone and now the baby’s gone…oh, Sarah needs some therapy, like, IMMEDIATELY if not sooner. Before she hooks up with her uncle (he’s her age, and he’s only her half uncle, but still, EW, that is some VC Andrews shit right there) and starts doing something destructive. At least she told her parents about losing the baby and despite the fact that Barb had a complete whack attack when she thought Nikki’s birth control pills were Sarah’s they seemed pretty supportive about it. I mean, they’re not monsters, how else could they be but supportive? Still…I’m worried about her.

EL OH EL isn’t it hilarious that I’m talking about them like they’re real people? Watch this show, friends. It’s amazing.

It’s a term of endearment

In my apparently neverending quest to bring you You Tube promos for doomed projects Veronica Mars alumni are going to be in, I must follow up the last post with this: Rockville, CA, or The OC: It Wasn’t Even Very Good The First Time, But Here It Is Again:

That was Ryan Hansen as “Chambers”, otherwise known as “The Douche.” Obvs, Josh Schwartz created this. What’s not to love?

Did you say “everything except Ryan Hansen”? That’s what I thought you said.

What happened to your face?

Guess what I found on the intertubes today? It’s a trailer for a show about a group of wannabe actors in LA who are just cater waiting (GEDDIT?!) for their big break. It stars, like, half the cast of Veronica Mars (JAY KAY, just Ryan Hansen and Ken Marino, but I love them), Lizzy Caplan (of Mean Girls/The Class fame–did anyone else watch The Class?), and Jane Lynch (of everything imaginable, but apparently she was in The 40 Year Old Virgin). Also, Enrico Colantoni, Jason Dohring, Ed Begly Jr., and Kristen Bell (ALL OF VERONICA MARS FAME) are going to guest. It’s called Party Down, and it was created by Rob Thomas, the creator of Veronica Mars.

A while back I did a “Where are they now?” Veronica Mars edition, but I forgot Robbie T, so can we just talk about Rob Thomas for a second? Now, I loved Veronica Mars. LOVED IT. So I don’t want to speak ill of the creator of one of the best shows on television ever. But my feeling is that he has way too many pots on the stove these days, because I’m quickly losing faith. He was the one who got the 90210 reboot started, and maybe people still watch that, but I couldn’t sit through five minutes of it. If he didn’t plan on sticking around and making sure it was a decent show, WHY EVEN DO IT? And then there’s his show Cupid, which originally starred Jeremy Piven and Paula Marshall (you may remember her as the guidance counselor on the first season of VM; she dated Keith) and is now being resurrected with Bobby Cannavale (Will’s boyfriend Vince on Will & Grace) and Sarah Paulson (Harriet from Studio 60 on the Sunset Strip). Except:

Yeah. I’m understandably skeptical. I believe the conceit of the show is that Bobby and Sarah are supposed to fall in love with each other, and yet I cannot see that working. I predict it will be canceled quicker than the old Cupid, which I’ve never seen. Rob Thomas was also involved in Big Shots, which, if you remember it, you know died a quick death because it wasn’t very good. So…maybe we should just focus on one thing at a time, Robbie T, okay? Because you’re awesome. But some of your shows…not so much. Although I promise to give Cupid a try before totally giving up on it.

Dead Like Me: Life After Death liveblog

Layout 1I don’t know if you know this, but I’m a huge Dead Like Me fan. I was always really sad that the show only got two seasons, and also that it ended so abruptly. My sister Fish alerted me to the fact that they were making a movie, although she did extensively lament the fact that Mandy Patinkin (Rube) wasn’t involved. The movie came out yesterday (it was straight-to-DVD) and of course immediately showed up on Surf the Channel, which is why I love that freakin’ site. At first I was Twittering my thoughts, but then I was like, “You know what? I’m going to keep wanting to say things, and am I seriously going to have three pages of tweets about this?” So I decided about fifteen minutes in to do a live blog while I watched. This is the first one I’ve ever done, so I guess we’ll see how ridiculous it is. Ready, set, go!

If you’re not familiar with the show, it’s about a young girl named Georgia “George” Lass (Ellen Muth) who died at eighteen after being hit by a toilet seat from the Mir Space Station upon its reentry into the Earth’s atmosphere. She joined the ranks of the reapers, dead folk who take the souls of the living just before they shuffle off this mortal coil, and fellow lost souls Betty (Rebecca Gayheart, left halfway into season one), Daisy (Laura Harris, replaced Betty), Mason (Callum Blue), and Roxy (Jasmine Guy) become her makeshift family. They are given their reaping assignments by boss cum father figure Rube (Mandy Patinkin) and mostly hang out at a restaurant called Der Wafflehaus. The catch of being a reaper is that they can be seen by people and interacted with (they appear to the world differently than they did when they were alive, but they see each other the way they looked then); they need jobs and transportation and have no special powers aside from the reaping thing. In secret, George frequently checks in on her family, whom she mostly resented when she was alive; it consists of her mother Joy (Cynthia Stevenson), her father Clancy (Greg Kean), and her little sister Reggie (Brit McKillip). George also has a job at the Happy Time Temp Agency, working under a woman named Dolores Herbig (“as in ‘her big brown eyes'”). Okay, I think that’s all you need to know. Let’s roll.

15:05 Der Wafflehaus burned down, sad. 😦 Impressions so far: I miss Rube way more than I thought I would. They have recast the Daisy Adair character, who was played to perfection by Laura Harris but is now being played by this ridiculously terrible Sarah Wynter person who I only recognize, get this, from the pilot of Sex and the City (she’s the British woman whose boyfriend takes her to look at property about ten minutes after they start dating and then eventually stops calling, which, duh). Daisy is my favorite character, so as you can imagine I’m very upset about this. They seem to have dropped the Daisy/Mason ‘ship, which is good because it worked between Callum Blue and Laura Harris but with this Sarah Wynter it would be a nightmare. Britt McKillip (Reggie) has grown up to be very pretty and actually looks a lot like Ellen Muth (George), which is convenient. They’ve replaced Rube with some d-bag named Cameron Kane (Henry Ian Cusick) who died in 9/11 and is training them to get their reap information on Trios. Holy 2006 product placement, Batman! At the very least, use iPhones. It’s Seattle, not darkest Peru. Last but not least, they’ve recast the girl who plays “Millie”, George’s face-to-the-world; this new one is much prettier, but also less awesome.

15:28 Oooooh, a boy likes Reggie! He smiled at her. She’s a bad driver and also sort of a sour puss sad sack. She is George’s sister, after all!

16:15 Joy wrote a book about grief? It has George on the cover. CREEEEEEPY!

17:33 I forgot that everyone thinks George is a recovering alcoholic because that’s her cover for the reaper meetings. Dolores has Murray the cat strapped to her chest like an infant. Oh boy, that’s so Bri’s future.

22:24 Wow, the Happy Time offices got a major face lift. I don’t understand this mock interview scene.

25:20 George is a literal ambulence chaser now. Also, she missed her reap. Cue the world crumbling.

26:50 OH GOD DAISY LOOKS ATROSH. This woman’s performance is seriously under par.

29:47 Okay, the new boss is David Bowie in Labyrinth-level creepy. He keeps calling George “Princess” and actually just KISSED her. On the lips. IN SLOW MOTION. Who directed this thing?

34:30 The boy who smiled at Reggie earlier is George’s failed reap. Name is Hudson Hart. Not only that, but she can’t take his soul now; he’s on life support. Reg just stopped by to see him and some bitchy girl who looks like Shenae Grimes (you know her from Degrassi and 90210! ugh) tells her to leave. SNAP! Poor Reg.

35:43 OMG SCANDALZ! Looks like Reg was secretly dating Hudson, or so says the pictures of them canoodling that she tore up and threw in the trash outside of the hospital that George picked up.

37:01 Figures Megavideo stops working during Reggie’s sexy flashback. Actually, Megavideo, I have not watched 72 minutes of video today. I’ve watched THIRTY SEVEN minutes of video today. I guess I have to watch a season 2 episode on Netflix Watch Instantly while I’m waiting to get the privilege of watching more Megavideo.

37:47 And we’re back! Who knows for how long, though. Hudson says he loves Reggie, but he wants to keep their relationship a secret. Reg, from one woman to another: that is never a good sign. Also, apparently he has a public girlfriend, who Joy calls a “beautiful girl.” Nice, Joy. WAY TO PAY ATTENTION. I love Joy and I appreciate how she’s really trying with Reggie, but she really hasn’t learned anything from George’s death.

40:46 Roxy: “There are no consequences for anything we do.” Uhhhhh….

43:20 I can’t decide if this random comic book stylization that happens every once in a while is cool or just unnecessary. Cool, I think.

43:55 Roxy just saved a reap. This is not good.

47:08 Daisy just tripped an actress so that she could take over her part in a play. Also, the woman who plays this actress would’ve made a better replacement for Laura Harris than the other girl they’ve got here.

49:32 Daisy just lost it on stage. Like, LOST IT. It was totally dumb. Oh, she was drunk. Who wrote this thing?

50:46 What is going on with Mason? For the first time in forever, the reapers are the least interesting part of this show. Movie. Whatever. More Reggie!

52:27 No. More. Daisy. PLEASE! Although, her reap from the beginning of the movie has turned into a poltergeist. That’s interesting. Not at all relevant, though.

53:59 The reap Roxy saved died anyway. Duh. Haven’t you ever seen the Final Destination movies, Roxy?

56:06 Sweet sisterly heart-to-heart. Reg doesn’t know it’s George yet, but I’m guessing she eventually will. They’re talking about Hudson. Reg doesn’t want Hudson’s friends to think that he’d like someone like her, JIC he dies and it ruins their perfect illusion of him being a d-bag who only dates cheerleaders although, QUITE FRANKLY, it doesn’t seem, from the evidence shown in his interactions with Reggie, that he’s really any better than that. George left cab money (“for you to get to the hospital”) in the tip jar.

56:58 Uh, whoops, Reggie runs into George at the hospital as she tries for the frillionth time to reap Hudson to no great effect. She chases George down and, inexplicably, GETS INTO THE CAR WITH HER, because that is what you do when you feel like you’re being stalked, GET INTO THE CAR WITH YOUR STALKER. Real smart, Reg.

57:23 George told Reggie who she is! The way she proves it is by reciting a litany of horrible things that she did to Reggie when she was little. Nice, George. Reggie: “I think I’m gonna puke.” George: “Do it out the window, I just detailed the car.”

59:00 The Lass girls have another heart-to-heart, this time for real, even though the inevitable consequence of that is that Reggie thinks she’s losing her mind, that George is a figment of her imagination. Sad pancakes.

1:00:20 Uh oh, George just lost her job at Happy Time. Oh, and Reg wants to move in with her. That sounds like a good plan. Is George still living with Daisy in that house Mason gave them?

1:02:48 The chuckleheads have come to their senses about how lame a reap leader (terminology??) that Cameron guy is (although, to be honest, I don’t get his presence in this story whatsoever) and decided that they’re going above his head. What would Rube do? being the guiding mantra. This will not end well.

1:03:14 Unless Cameron is in some way an imposter, I don’t get this. Death/God/whoever would not appoint someone like him to take care of the reapers. It makes no sense. Oh, good, Roxy knocked him unconscious and they’re coming up with a plan.

1:06:01 Aw, George got Reg to go to the hospital and apparently Hudson asked for her. His parents are excited to meet her. Well, as excited as you can be about anything when your son is practically comatose, and also despite the fact that they A.) thought Reggie was a boy (her real name is Regina) and B.) he has a girlfriend already and they have no idea who Reggie is at all. Oh, NO NO NO. George just got a text message on her Trio saying that she needs to reap him now. Hudson’s dead. REALLY SAD PANCAKES.

1:09:16 Hudson’s soul wants Reggie to know that he’s sorry he kept her a secret. It took dying to figure that out, did it? Cute. You’re a jerk. Enjoy your football game-themed heaven. Meanwhile, Reggie is out of control speeding in George’s car. I like how George’s main argument against Reggie killing herself is that her soul hasn’t been reaped and therefore it will hurt a lot. THAT’s your strategy? “Have you ever hit a wall at 100 mph? Ouch!” George talks her down, and then tells her that she can’t see her anymore, and then OH WAIT MEGAVIDEO SAYS I NEED TO WAIT 54 MINUTES TO SEE THE LAST TWENTY MINUTES OF THIS MOVIE. I hate Megavideo.

While we wait, here’s a question: Why is it that the only convincing romance this show has ever had was the one between George and that schizophrenic guy, Ronnie, she reaped in the first season? I don’t have an answer to that, but feel free to let it keep you up at night.

1:12:01 Aww, George learned a lesson about how she should’ve been nicer to her family when she was alive. Except, wasn’t she learning that all through the first and second seasons? Shouldn’t she have figured that out by now? Oh well, at least she told Reggie she loved her before kicking her Lindsay Lohan-outfit wearing ass to the curb.

1:13:01 The other chuckleheads are trying to “kill” Cameron Kane because he’s “evil”, which, I would buy that if he had done ANYTHING AT ALL except force them to use Trios, which I agree is pretty mean, and not give sage advice like Rube. Also, you can’t kill him, you idiots; he’s already dead. That’s how he has the job he has! Morons.

1:13:23 Gunshot to the head: FAIL.

1:13:43 Drowning in fountain: FAIL.

1:13:57 Dear God, Mason’s breaking out the chainsaw. Remind me again why this guy has to be disposed of? He seems pretty bored with you clowns, I think he’d just…go away if you ignored him for 8.5 seconds.

1:14:36 George is with Dolores at the vet’s, and a little blond girl just reaped Murray, so he’s a goner. (In the mythology of the show, dead kids reap animal souls.) Too much time in this already short movie was spent on Murray’s fate. Too much time in the show in general was spent on it, actually.

1:15:06 Oh yeah. I forgot that J.D. (the dog George inherited from a reap that she gave to her mother and sister) died. Sad pancakes.

1:15:29 Aw, Joy finds Reggie at George’s grave. Remember the end of the second season, when George appears to them at her grave, looking like she did when she was alive because it was Halloween? WHOA, Reggie is whoopsing George’s continued existence to Joy. Joy naturally thinks Reg is loony tunes. They decide to go on vacay, a road trip, because when you think your child is having a nervous breakdown the obvious solution is highway hypnosis.

1:18:25 The chuckleheads are roasting marshmallows over what I assume is the fire they set to Cameron’s chopped up remains, which, ew. Also, WHY? George seems to accept this no problem.

1:20:53 Okay, Dolores’ extreme attachment to her cat is no longer funny. It’s just sad. In the pathetic way. I’m all for loving pets, but seriously?

1:21:11 It might be a little late to not go with the flow here, but A. how did they get permission to shoot Murray’s ashes up into SPACE? Is that a thing you can do now? B. Since when is there a rocket launch location in Seattle?

1:22:14 George stops by one more time as Joy and Reggie leave for their vacation. Imagine my excitement when George and Reggie catch eyes and “Boom Boom Ba” by Metisse (a song they used a lot during the first season) starts playing.

1:22:52 George gets hit with a shower of Post-Its. Oh God. Someone in upper management put her in charge of that merry band of fools. In her own words: “I am so fucked.” You’re not the only one, pal.

Okay, I’m glad I didn’t buy this. It was not the best thing in the universe. I liked the whole Reggie/George storyline, but the rest was gibberish. It really suffered the loss of Mandy Patinkin and Laura Harris and they bent the rules they created which I never countenance. Hope you enjoyed the liveblog! Verdict: You don’t have to see the movie; the show’s two seasons will do.

Childhood trauma revisited

Storytime.

When my brother and I were kids, he had this horrific set of video tapes (tapes! that you had to rewind! I KNOW RIGHT) that he would watch all the time, probably to make up for all the Strawberry Shortcake he demanded to watch as a small child, I don’t know. Anyway, the series was called Inhumanoids, and boy, was it TERRIFYING. At least, it was to me.

Does anyone else remember this series? I don’t know exactly how old we were when it was giving me nightmares, since it was created in 1986 and my brother was born that year, so probably these were old tapes that somebody sensible had returned to Wal-Mart and my dad had bought ten years later on clearance to give my brother ammo to scare the crap out of me with, because that’s how we show love in the Jarzab family.

I had a pretty overactive imagination as a kid, and a sensitivity problem (meaning I was way too sensitive). There was an extensive period of time when I slept with the covers wrapped around my neck or over my head because I literally believed vampires existed and they were evil (pre-Edward Cullen, obvs) and that they would come at any moment to suck my blood. Also, I believed that when you flushed the toilet witches flew out (I always imagine them now as the witches from The Nightmare Before Christmas, but I’m pretty sure this fear predates that movie), so I would close the lid, flush and RUN.

Anyway, so I was also highly suggestible. I really feared these Inhumanoid creatures. They were all pretty scary, but the one that I absolutely could not handle the thought of was D’Compose (judging from the way he spells his name, I’m almost certain that this fiend is European; prove me wrong). D’Compose was awful. He could kill you–basically, make you decompose, geddit?–just by touching you with his finger. I know, right? You’re already quaking. Me too. Actually, Wikipedia puts it thusly: “With the merest touch of his decrepit claw, D’Compose can turn his victims into frightening undead monstrosities (usually enlarging human victims to a gigantic size in the process).” Gross. Don’t touch me, D’Compose.

My brother, because we’re so close and he loves me so much, used to sneak up behind me in the dark and jab me with his pointer finger while moaning, “Dee-com-pose,” in a voice like a creaky step. UGH! Even the thought of it makes me want to cry.

So anyway, after remembering all this childhood trauma, I was like, “I should find a picture of D’Compose to show all my Internet friends the monstrosity which caused all this mortal fear.” But apparently not everything about the eighties has been archived on the Google yet, so an image search yielded naught but this. Prepare yourself for the SHOCK OF YOUR LIFE. Shield the eyes of your children!

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Erm…forgive me, but would it be fair to say that not only does the formerly horrifying D’Compose seem sort of non-threatening, he seems a little bit…cuddly to me? I mean, yeah, okay, giant fangs, claws, exposed rib cage, rotting flesh–I see all these things, too. But, to be honest, he’s really not all that bad. Maybe he’s just misunderstood.

But seriously, D’Compose. Don’t touch me.

Random Veronica Mars thoughtsicles

FIRST THINGS FIRST: The Veronica Mars movie is offish happening, you guys! I’m not even playing some kind of evil prank on you, because, though I am known for being many things, an evil prankster is not one of them (it requires way too much effort, although I’ve recently been tempted by some of my Blair Waldorf tendencies, but…no, still too lazy to plot–anything but books, that is! Oh ZING).

Anyway, back to the Movie That Dreams Built. According to that article above, Kristen Bell is on board like a surfer (on board like a surfer?), which, like, SHE’D BETTER BE, because they really couldn’t make a Veronica Mars movie without her. And Rob Thomas is penning the script–another must. Also, they’re scrapping that whole “VM at the FBI” thing they cooked up in an attempt to save the show and picking up with V right after she graduates from college. Excellent choice, Robbie Tommy. (Robbie Tommy? What is wrong with me today?) Jason Dohring’s not on board (like a surfer?) yet, but seriously what else is that clown doing these days? (That’s a crime against humanity, IMHO, but at least it frees him up to be in the Movie That Dreams Built so you won’t hear me complain…anymore.) Enrico Colantoni might be more work, but since I’ve never heard of this so-called new show of his (Flashpoint), maybe we’re good on that front as well. Oh, wait, I just IMDb-ed Flashpoint and apparently it’s a real show? That’s on the air? And has had one (nine-episode, let’s not get too scared) season and is having another one? What channel is this thing on? I know I don’t have a TV, but I like to think of myself as at least semi-culturally relevant. CBS? What?

Anyway. Colantoni’s show not withstanding, it’s looking pretty good for the VM fans of the world. Personally I hope they bring back the whole gang, except Piz who is boring and Parker who is even more boring if you can believe it. It’d be nice to see Wallace again, and Mac for defs, and Weevil and Vinnie and Dick. Especially Dick! Ryan Hansen, what are you doing now? Hm, a bunch of movies and TV pilots I’ve never heard of including the unholy Friday the 13th remake? I’m guessing you’ll be down to recreate the magic, too.

I actually meant only, like, a paragraph of this post to be about the Veronica Mars movie (the rest of it was supposed to be LOLZ about the behind the scenes mini-documentary about Gossip Girl that I was watching because my season 1 DVDs came yesterday, but we’ll save that for later), but apparently it’s taken on a mind of its own and morphed into a VM Where Are They Now? extravaganza, so let’s go with that. What are our favorite Neptune peeps doing? Let’s take a look:

kristen_bellKristen Bell (Veronica Mars): By far the superstar of the VM alumni, although that’s to be expected. Recurring character on Heroes, two seasons as the disembodied voice on Gossip Girl, big supporting role in Forgetting Sarah Marshall, and like a billion more movies slated for 2009. How does girlfriend get all this done? Plus, I’m still waiting to see her in Fanboys, which is…coming out February 6? I can’t even tell if that’s in theaters or on DVD. Whatever. The point is, she’s done quite well for herself so far, but she has yet to carry a movie. We know she can do it, I mean, Veronica Mars sat squarely on her pixie shoulders, but she has yet to show us any magic on the silver screen. Am I the only one who feels this? The traditional romantic comedy roles are way too bland for Kristen Bell. I hope the newer stuff is more dynamic, but I sort of doubt it will be.

enrico_colantoni_veronica_marsEnrico Colantoni (Keith Mars): Erm, so like I said, Flashpoint or whatever. Also he’s guested on some other shows and he’s playing Rene Angelil, NO JOKE, in a TV movie about Celine Dion called, appropriately, Celine. UHHHHHHHH…Get on the horn to RT immediately, Colantoni, because you are way too cool for this weird stuff you’re doing right now.

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Amanda Seyfried (Lilly Kane): Remember when I said Kristen Bell was the most successful VM alumni? Just kidding! You know you like it when I kid. Amanda Seyfried’s star is pretty on the rise as well. She’s my favorite character in one of my favorite shows (Sarah Hendrickson in Big Love), and she was enjoyable as Sophie in Mamma Mia! this past summer. Also, she’s going to be in Jennifer’s Body, written by Diablo Cody, which a lot of people are looking forward to. Too bad Lilly Kane’s been dead since the start of season one, but Seyfried comes alive in flashbacks and I think they should work a couple of those into the movie, for nostalgia’s sake.

vm_percy_dPercy Daggs III (Wallace Fennel): Has done nothing since the end of the show but guest in a few ill-fated dramas and some movie called American Son? Don’t know, didn’t see it, but it also has Nick Cannon (a.k.a. Mr. Mariah Carey) in it, so it can’t be very good. However, it has Chi McBride in it, so it could also be awesome. Coin toss. Anyway, he could probably use the work, and I have a warm little niche in my cold, dark heart for Wallace, so I’d love to see him back in the game as V’s devoted sidekick/bestie.

jasondohringJason Dohring (Logan Echolls): I mean COME ON. What would this show BE without Logan, our obligatory psychotic jackass? Veronica and Logan were the first Blair and Chuck, the mutually insane couple who despite all their flaws and pathologies and machinations are absolutely perfect for each other. As I have already noted. Only this time around, they need to make sure that V and Logan together doesn’t result in Logan getting declawed because, like Chuck, he’s better when he’s angry. Which is why they shouldn’t have them get back together until the END of the movie, so they can antagonize each other and yearn for each other throughout. Oh, yeah, right, what’s Jason Dohring doing with himself these days? A whole lot of nothin’, it turns out, after Moonlight, which as most everybody knows had dismal ratings and was canceled. Anyway, his character Josef, as far as I saw, was just a pale ghost imitation of Logan, so good riddance. He’s in the Washingtonienne pilot, though. I wonder how that show will fare. Whatever, he’s available, let’s tap that.

francisFrancis Capra (Eli “Weevil” Navarro): NOT related to the legendary director Frank Capra, I’ll have you know. Since VM, our favorite PCHer has guested on such shows as “The Closer” (which I love), “Friday Night Lights” (which I love), “Criminal Minds”, “Heroes” (VM reunion!) , and “Sons of Anarchy”. He’s due for another recurring role, if you ask me, which nobody has. He’s probably up for another rematch with Logan, anyway, and they left Weevil’s story on a weird cliffhanger (?), if you can really call it that. In any case, we know he’s not quite finished with his criminal ways. I think it’s time to revisit that.

dickstandRyan Hansen (Dick Casablancas): Yay! My favorite! Like I said, not much going on here besides the Friday the 13th remake, which, why? Another VM alum for whom the current roles available don’t really live up to the potential of the actor (Kristen Bell and Jason Dohring being the other obvious victims of this problem). I love how Dick started off as a throwaway character and by the end of the series was fully integrated and had even started to display some depth of emotion we might never have seen if his brother hadn’t (SPOILER) whoopsed himself right off the edge of a building at the end of season two (END SPOILER). I liked where Dick was going and I want to see more of him.

28203656Teddy Dunn (Duncan Kane): Ah, Teddy Dunn. Very pretty to look at, not a very talented actor. I do not wish to see him return for the movie, but for fun let’s see what he’s up to. Oh yeah, Jumper. Maybe he could get some temporary work as Scott Porter’s body double.

f_44195561 Michael Muhney (Sheriff Don Lamb): Not that Muhney can come back, because (SPOILER) Lamb is clearly deceased (END SPOILER), but I loved Lamb. Muhney has done/is slated to do a lot of movies, but none of them look like anything special. Too bad. He’s a real gem.

VERONICA MARSTina Majorino (Cindy “Mac” MacKenzie): Aw, at least we know Tina Majorino is doing well. Just like Amanda Seyfried and (I’m getting to it!) Kyle Gallner, she’s on Big Love, as Heather Tuttle, Sarah’s Mormon bestie. At this point, she doesn’t seem to be doing much else, so I hope they ask her to come back for the movie and I hope she accepts. What would V be without her Q? (Too many initials.)

0000034960_20061021043236Kyle Gallner (Cassidy “Beaver” Casablancas): Another favorite that is ineligible for a return to the show because (SPOILER) he’s dead (END SPOILER), but despite how incredibly creepy he seems to be in EVERY. SINGLE. ROLE. HE. PLAYS. I still love him. He’s been doing some stuff: The Closer, that creepmeister kid on the Law and Order: SVU episode with Melissa Joan Hart, Smallville, Medium, CSI: NY, The Shield, and Big Love (as yet another creepy young dude). (How many times can I unoriginally use the word “creepy” to describe a Kyle Gallner character? Wait and see!) He’s also in Jennifer’s Body along with VM alum Amanda Seyfried, where he’ll probably play a creepy young dude! Four times! That’s gotta be a record. What?

Okay. That’s enough. This post is getting way too long. I could tell you what Max Greenfield (Deputy Leo) or Alona Tal (Meg Manning) or Tessa Thompson (Jackie Cook) or Daran Norris (Cliff McCormack) or Chris Lowell (Stosh “Piz” Piznarski) or Julie Gonzalo (Parker Lee…srsly? Lee? That was her last name?) or Ken Marino (Vinnie Van Lowe) or any number of actors are doing these days, but I don’t care. Except Daran Norris and Ken Marino–we need Cliff and Vinnie back. The rest of them can skedaddle. Although Max Greenfield is on Ugly Betty sometimes and Chris Lowell is on Private Practice. Not afraid to be servicey!

Recreation

The big idea is recreation. You know what that means? …Well, let’s break the word down, shall we? Re-create. To create again. Begin again. To start over. People need to do that. Work is fine, but every now and then, you’ve got to take a break and re-create…Remember, recreation isn’t about relaxing. It’s about redefining…whatever’s become undefined.

This past weekend I did a little recreating myself. (That quotation is from Joan of Arcadia, by the way.) I didn’t really plan for the weekend to go exactly as it did, but I’m glad I changed my plans at the last minute. Super glad. Like, “What was I thinking when I made my previous plans?” glad. This weekend was the emotional and social equivalent of one of those cleanses where you only drink lemon water with honey and cayenne pepper or some such; you flush the toxins out so there’s more room for the good stuff. Or more toxins. I guess it kind of depends on how dedicated you are to what comes next, which I TOTALLY AM you guys.

I left New York on Friday morning. My flight was scheduled for 10 AM out of La Guardia, so I caught a cab a couple of minutes after eight. It would’ve been exactly at eight except for some unfathomable reason I was locked IN to my apartment building. I couldn’t get out through the front door because I guess it was locked from the outside? This has never happened before and it was totes weird, but I didn’t really have time to go knock on my super’s door and explain to him patiently that the fact I pay rent to this building doesn’t make me its PRISONER. I went to the basement, shimmied up the fire escape and then rappelled down the side of the building to get out, and let me tell you, that is not easy when you’re carrying a twenty-five pound duffel bag.

It was one of those mornings where New York throws you a freaking bone (except for the getting locked in my building part). I got a cab no problem, there wasn’t any traffic, security was a breeze, and my flight was on time. I did sit next to an elderly couple who were complaining about Barack Obama and how because he’s from Illinois he’s probably corrupt because “everybody there is on the take.” Oh, Blago. Why’d you have to go and give the Land of Lincoln a bad name just when people were starting to believe? Whatever. Old people make the darndest assumptions about state politics that are probably more or less true!

We landed in O’Hare a little bit early, but I don’t know if you knew this, O’Hare has seceded from the nation and is now its own country, so it took me six hours to walk across it and I didn’t even get to go through the tunnel of light, which is my absolute favorite part! Bygones. The El was pretty easy to find, but also a squillion miles away from my gate. Because I am awesome, I still have my Chicago Card from two years ago and didn’t have to worry about getting a CTA pass, which is why I didn’t notice until a little bit later when I was reading some of the signs on the train that a single ride on the El has gone up to $2.25! With 30-day passes at $86! That’s more than New York (although I’m sure that our fares will get hiked again really soon). Also, my train went express for no reason. Chicago! It really is just like New York except with lower taxes and less bodegas! Here’s an idea: let’s have the 2016 Olympics there.

It was SO COLD in Chicago on Friday, you guys. SO COLD. My friend Marisa told me this horrifying story about a friend of hers whose ear fell off when it was that cold (this may or may not be apocryphal, but it certainly gave me a mental picture I did not want), so I was reasonably worried about my extremities, and the four block walk to Browne & Miller HQ did make me want to lay down and die, but all was well when I arrived (a teeny bit late for a late lunch) to two famished literary agents. Obvs, we vamoosed right out of the office and down the street to Mercat, which has amazing fries, if you ever find yourself hungry on S. Michigan Avenue.

I love Joanna and Danielle. Not only are they amazing agents, but they’re really smart and fun. Lunch was long and delicious, with lots of talk about marketing and the industry, and when we went back to the office Joanna and I talked about what comes next. I have to finish MB for my editor so that I can get it to her, I hope by the end of January–it would be nice if showing her MB coincided with sending AUT into the copy editing stage, but that depends on if there is still any work to be done on AUT. We’ll see. But also I have my two other books in the pipeline, and after talking to J it looks like I’m going to follow my instincts and work on GR first. I have about twelve pages and a page of synopsis for GR, so there’s a lot of work to be done. I’m excited to write a book from scratch again, it’s been a long time since I’ve done that, since when I was writing MB this summer I was writing off a synopsis and six chapters I’d written almost a year before.

I spent the rest of the (mercifully a little bit warmer) weekend with my aunt and her family in the suburbs. My beloved cousin Emma picked me up from the train station and when we got home my aunt was waiting for me with a glass of wine, and my uncle came in approximately fifteen minutes later with Giordano’s pizza. My cousin Matt grew approximately sixteen feet, Jacob Black-style, since I’d last seen him a year ago. On Saturday, Emma and I went to see Slumdog Millionaire, which was excellent, and then we went to Matt’s basketball game.

Now, about this basketball game. Matt’s team was solidly beating the other team until the second half, when the difference between the two scores was a point or two throughout. With twenty seconds left, Matt’s team scored and it looked like they were poised to win, but in the last SIX SECONDS the other team was able to get the ball two thirds of the way across the court and a guy SHOT and SCORED at the buzzer. It was sad our team lost, but also, that’s pretty amazing. As my aunt said, “That boy will remember this day forever, and we got to be here. Isn’t that cool?” Then we went home and watched The Dark Knight, which they LOVE but which I’d never seen. Not to beat the obvious horse completely to death here, but Heath Ledger was a super star. His performance in that movie was so impressive.

On Sunday my aunt and I went to fetch my grandmother from the city and we went to Jameson’s, a steak house in the suburbs. It was so good to see my grandmother; I realized then that I’d only seen her once since I moved out of her house and to New York. I wish I’d gotten to spend more time with her, but hopefully we’ll be in Chicago next Christmas so there will be plenty of time for that. I’d also like to go to Chicago one more time before then, so we’ll see what kind of flexibility this summer affords me. That evening we watched the season premiere of Big Love and I watched an ENTIRE EPISODE of Desperate Housewives AND Brothers and Sisters, both of which I dislike, although I will say that the DH episode was sweet and interesting. On the other hand, Snoozeville, Population: Bros and Hos. Also I indulged in some Jon and Kate Plus Eight, because you know how much I treasure that show.

On Monday we went bowling (God, this is probably so boring, I realize that now–sorry!) and, true to form, I sucked. But I still had SO much fun. This whole weekend was very calm and restorative and full of love and laughter and right now I’m giving y’all diabetes with my sappiness, but I’m telling you, if you have family you adore, make all efforts you can to see them. It’s better than Prozac.

So, how to take a happy girl down a peg? Give her a two hour delay on the tarmac and a crazy guy in the cab line and a two thirty AM bedtime. Oh well. I’m exhausted, but Barack Obama is president now and I’m going to see Equus after work with three of my best NY girlfriends. Recreation.

P.S. I had a dream I was friends with Stephenie Meyer and we were at her son’s school. I wish there was an emoticon for “mildly confused shrug”. Dream Stephenie was super nice, though.