Can we just talk about Big Love for a second?

Because I just watched last Sunday’s episode (I know, I’m a bit behind, I was revising! Am revising…) and I cannot remember the last time I watched a better hour of television. Honestly, I’ve always loved this show, but this season has been gangbusters, y’all. It’s a bomb that just keeps blowing up: Barb’s cancer might be back! Roman’s in prison! Nikki’s undercover at the DA’s office! Kathy’s the mystery woman testifying against Roman! Lois tries to kill Frank! Bill takes a fourth wife! Sarah’s pregnant! Rhonda flies the coop! Nikki’s on birth control even though it’s apparently her celestial duty to have babies! The fourth wife divorces the family! Nikki’s boss at the DA’s office is totally in love with her! And, during last Sunday’s episode: BILL, BARB AND MARGIE FIND OUT ABOUT NIKKI’S BIRTH CONTROL! BILL’S TAKING VIAGRA! MARGIE AND BEN WALK IN ON EACH OTHER NAKED! BEN CONFESSES HIS LOVE FOR MARGIE! NIKKI’S PROBS AT LEAST A LITTLE BIT IN LOVE WITH HER BOSS! SARAH LOSES HER BABY! TEENY IS STILL SO WEIRD! OMFG THE DRAMZ!

Seriously, if you don’t watch this show you are completely missing out. It’s always been quietly, under-the-radar good, but now all the tensions and craziness that’s been building up over the last two seasons is leaking out–flooding out, really. I had always predicted that it would be Margie who would jump ship first, but now with what we know about Nikki I’m pretty sure she’s at least going to have an extramarital affair with her boss (this, by the way, is the only way I can in good conscience support cheating: WHEN YOUR MARRIAGE ISN’T REAL IN THE FIRST PLACE and YOU ARE ONE OF THREE “WIVES”). I’m also pretty sure that Margie and Ben are going to hook up, despite the impassioned speech she gave him last week about how he had to get over his feelings for her immediately because she loves him, but as a mother, and it’s SO not going to happen EVER. I even believed her. I still think a Marge/Ben hookup is totally going to happen.

Amanda Seyfried is killing me with her acting skillz right now. Sarah has been getting quite the shaft since forever, since before the show started when her mom almost died from cancer and suddenly the family couldn’t employ outside help without Bill up and marrying her (for those not familiar with the show, second wife Nikki was first wife Barb’s nursemaid when she was sick and third wife Margene was the babysitter). The burden of her family’s big honking secret coupled with her complete disgust with polygamy made her a semi-voluntary social outcast and ersatz mother to a bunch of rugrats birthed by Nikki and Margie, and then she finally bares her soul to someone, makes a best friend and finds a boyfriend, and then she gets pregnant! I’ve always liked Scott, even though I’m sure there are people out there that think he’s creepy, but he genuinely cares about Sarah so I’m a little concerned now that she’s dumped him. She needed a connection to the real world and he was it and now he’s gone and now the baby’s gone…oh, Sarah needs some therapy, like, IMMEDIATELY if not sooner. Before she hooks up with her uncle (he’s her age, and he’s only her half uncle, but still, EW, that is some VC Andrews shit right there) and starts doing something destructive. At least she told her parents about losing the baby and despite the fact that Barb had a complete whack attack when she thought Nikki’s birth control pills were Sarah’s they seemed pretty supportive about it. I mean, they’re not monsters, how else could they be but supportive? Still…I’m worried about her.

EL OH EL isn’t it hilarious that I’m talking about them like they’re real people? Watch this show, friends. It’s amazing.

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Behold, the relationshipocalypse

Ugh, you guys. I saw He’s Just Not That Into You last night and as you might imagine I HAVE SOME THOUGHTSICLES.

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First of all, where they get off calling this clown show a “romantic comedy” I’ll never know, because it was neither romantic nor particularly funny. Actually, it was totes depressing. Which, you know, is fine generally; none of our lives are sunshine and roses all the time, and the manufactured, solipsistic bullshit suffering most romantic comedies put their characters through for no reason is not preferable, but man. I’ve never wanted to die in a theater more than during this movie.

I won’t say, though, that the movie is “unrealistic” in its portrayal of women disecting a man’s texts and verbal cues and body language for signs that he’s “into” her, because of course people (all people, men and women) do that all the time. I’m a completely reasonable woman and I found myself doing that over and over for about nine months in recent memory, and while I don’t need a movie to remind me of how stupid that is, remind me it did. So, ugh, stab me in the eye. Some moments of this movie were physically painful to watch, and even though I’m loathe to admit it, some of those moments that made me want to vom had the imprint of recognition on them. As in, I’ve done that before. I did that yesterday. Kill me.

So, spoilers ahead, for those who care.

But most of what made me sick in this movie was just the godawfulness of the characters. When the lights came up, I turned to my friend Cambria and said, “I just wanted to set them all on fire.”

In retrospect, though, it wasn’t all of the characters. I really like Ginnifer Goodwin, and while her character, uh, Gigi was it?? was horrifically self-involved and so obsessed with getting a guy to like her that she never, ever asked herself, “Do I like this person?”, I sympathized with her unlikeability predicament and secretly hoped that she’d wise up and calm down. And she did, kind of. So that was an achievement. Although, even when she figured out that Justin Long was “into” her (I’m sorry, I just can’t write that without quotation marks to indicate my complete dissociation from the term), she was more like, “Yes! He likes me!” instead of “Yes! He likes me and I like him!” And anyway he didn’t like her, and then she made that impassioned speech, “At least I put myself out there even though I might make myself ridiculous most of the time and who cares if you think I’m a moron because at least I try!” and while I don’t think that would have made Justin Long either fall in love with her or realize he’d fallen in love with her without his own knowledge (something else I don’t buy, the whole “I loved you but I didn’t know it” thing, a common conceit in romantic narratives that annoys me), I fell in love with her a little bit because, yes, own it girlfriend. You get points for trying. So yeah, when he came to her door and professed his “into”-ness I was happy that she held back, referencing the fact that he is a totally emotionless tool who treats women as if they’re disposable and that he hardcore rejected her not such a long time ago and that people don’t change. But then I was like, “He’s cute and he’s there so just kiss him already,” and that’s what happened so I was glad-ish.

Drew Barrymore was hardly in this mess, but I’m glad she got a happy ending anyway, because, while her story was asinine, she was just generally confused more than anything else and, whatever, MySpace is a black hole from which many people never emerge. I could give a damn about Kevin Connolly generally, and his character in this movie was not that great, but it was nice to see how sincerely he wanted to be with someone for real, it just wasn’t Ginnifer Goodwin. So him getting together with Drew Barrymore was fun at the end, especially because they had known each other the whole movie but had never really interacted.

And, FINE, the Jennifer Aniston/Ben Affleck story was all right. I hate reading reviews that say she “demands” that he marry her because, uh, she doesn’t, unless finally admitting what you’ve been too afraid to say that you want is a demand. That’s what you’re supposed to do, be honest about what you need in a relationship, right? But it was pretty obvious the whole time how much they loved each other, and both of their characters were sympathetic and easy to like. I would’ve preferred that he would’ve capitulated about the marriage thing when she came to the boat to capitulate about the non-marriage thing, because that would’ve been very Gift of the Magi, instead of later in their house, because “now that she doesn’t need to get married I’m sort of okay with it” is kind of passive aggressive. But whatever. No complaints, that was a totally tolerable storyline.

BUT OH MY GOD YOU GUYS. The Scarlett Johansson/Bradley Cooper/Jennifer Connolly storyline made me SO. ANGRY. I hate the idea of cheating, I hate it when people do it, I always think it’s completely, totally morally indecent to do it, and I absolutely hate Hollywood’s ongoing attempt to normalize and glorify it. Bradley Cooper’s character was literally the scum of the earth. If you don’t want to get married to someone you don’t get married to them. If you get married to them even though you didn’t particularly want to you find a way to make it work or you end it in as dignified, respectful a way as possible. You do not, I repeat, DO NOT cheat on them repeatedly while feeding them lies about wanting to make it work and ambushing them with the fact of your infidelity in a Home Depot! UGH. I really don’t like Scarlett Johansson at all, and I like Bradley Cooper in Alias but now…I don’t know. Poor Jennifer Connelly. She should’ve been all, “YOU HAVE NO POWER OVER ME” and been done with it.

So there. Sitting through He’s Just Not That Into You was, on the whole, a terrifying experience for a young single gal like me. I comfort myself with the knowledge (delusion?) that romance and happiness are not easily quantifiable, nor is there a formula for human interaction or a “rule.” There’s just common sense and mutual respect and if you lose on both counts, well, there’s your answer. Happy Valentine’s Day, you guys! (It is not Valentine’s Day yet, calm down.)

At least she’s got that dead-eyed stare down

My blog stats are taking a nose dive, and you know what that means! Time to start talking about Twilight again. What? It’s not like I didn’t warn you that that’s my strategy. Haters to the left.

344802103_1edeec9687When I first heard rumblings that they were going to cast Dakota Fanning in New Moon, I was all, “What is this noise? Who would she even play? It’s not like there are any preternaturally intelligent creepmaster flash children in this series.” At least not until Breaking Dawn. ZING! I’ll be here forever. Try the stuffed chicken breasts. (Okay, you’re right, that was not a zing.)

First of all, fun fact: after being ten-going-on-eighty-seven for the past, oh, century, apparently Dakota Fanning is almost fifteen now. Speaking of vampires, I always kind of thought of her as a real-life Claudia from Interview With the Vampire. Now that theory is ruined, although we’d really have to test her DNA to be sure.

Second of all, funner fact: people are saying that they’re going to cast her as Jane in New Moon. Personally, I think this casting choice, if indeed it is true, which, shouldn’t this all be settled right now? Don’t they have to start shooting this movie two weeks ago if it’s supposed to come out before the end of the year? Or are we in for yet another faithful but soulless adaptation, complete with clumsy editing and a terrible soundtrack, because nobody seems even remotely capable of planning ahead and the whole thing gets rushed? At least they’ve got more money this time around, so maybe the Volturi temple of doom set will be kick ass.

What was I saying? Oh, this casting choice is dead on. I barely remember Jane, but what I do remember was that she was small and creepy and had truly terrifying mind powers–I think maybe she was able to make people feel excruciating pain they weren’t really experiencing? That’s bananas. Which leads me to a question: Aro is, like, totally power hungry and yet he and his posse of ancient bloodsucking lunatics have absolutely no desire to maybe take over the world? Why don’t vampires rule the universe, if indeed they’re so impossible to outwit or defeat? Why are they afraid of being revealed to the world by mad hoards of newborn vamps or Edward stepping into a crowded Italian piazza and *~*SPARKLING*~*?

I think about this way too much. Time to get a life.

Random Veronica Mars thoughtsicles

FIRST THINGS FIRST: The Veronica Mars movie is offish happening, you guys! I’m not even playing some kind of evil prank on you, because, though I am known for being many things, an evil prankster is not one of them (it requires way too much effort, although I’ve recently been tempted by some of my Blair Waldorf tendencies, but…no, still too lazy to plot–anything but books, that is! Oh ZING).

Anyway, back to the Movie That Dreams Built. According to that article above, Kristen Bell is on board like a surfer (on board like a surfer?), which, like, SHE’D BETTER BE, because they really couldn’t make a Veronica Mars movie without her. And Rob Thomas is penning the script–another must. Also, they’re scrapping that whole “VM at the FBI” thing they cooked up in an attempt to save the show and picking up with V right after she graduates from college. Excellent choice, Robbie Tommy. (Robbie Tommy? What is wrong with me today?) Jason Dohring’s not on board (like a surfer?) yet, but seriously what else is that clown doing these days? (That’s a crime against humanity, IMHO, but at least it frees him up to be in the Movie That Dreams Built so you won’t hear me complain…anymore.) Enrico Colantoni might be more work, but since I’ve never heard of this so-called new show of his (Flashpoint), maybe we’re good on that front as well. Oh, wait, I just IMDb-ed Flashpoint and apparently it’s a real show? That’s on the air? And has had one (nine-episode, let’s not get too scared) season and is having another one? What channel is this thing on? I know I don’t have a TV, but I like to think of myself as at least semi-culturally relevant. CBS? What?

Anyway. Colantoni’s show not withstanding, it’s looking pretty good for the VM fans of the world. Personally I hope they bring back the whole gang, except Piz who is boring and Parker who is even more boring if you can believe it. It’d be nice to see Wallace again, and Mac for defs, and Weevil and Vinnie and Dick. Especially Dick! Ryan Hansen, what are you doing now? Hm, a bunch of movies and TV pilots I’ve never heard of including the unholy Friday the 13th remake? I’m guessing you’ll be down to recreate the magic, too.

I actually meant only, like, a paragraph of this post to be about the Veronica Mars movie (the rest of it was supposed to be LOLZ about the behind the scenes mini-documentary about Gossip Girl that I was watching because my season 1 DVDs came yesterday, but we’ll save that for later), but apparently it’s taken on a mind of its own and morphed into a VM Where Are They Now? extravaganza, so let’s go with that. What are our favorite Neptune peeps doing? Let’s take a look:

kristen_bellKristen Bell (Veronica Mars): By far the superstar of the VM alumni, although that’s to be expected. Recurring character on Heroes, two seasons as the disembodied voice on Gossip Girl, big supporting role in Forgetting Sarah Marshall, and like a billion more movies slated for 2009. How does girlfriend get all this done? Plus, I’m still waiting to see her in Fanboys, which is…coming out February 6? I can’t even tell if that’s in theaters or on DVD. Whatever. The point is, she’s done quite well for herself so far, but she has yet to carry a movie. We know she can do it, I mean, Veronica Mars sat squarely on her pixie shoulders, but she has yet to show us any magic on the silver screen. Am I the only one who feels this? The traditional romantic comedy roles are way too bland for Kristen Bell. I hope the newer stuff is more dynamic, but I sort of doubt it will be.

enrico_colantoni_veronica_marsEnrico Colantoni (Keith Mars): Erm, so like I said, Flashpoint or whatever. Also he’s guested on some other shows and he’s playing Rene Angelil, NO JOKE, in a TV movie about Celine Dion called, appropriately, Celine. UHHHHHHHH…Get on the horn to RT immediately, Colantoni, because you are way too cool for this weird stuff you’re doing right now.

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Amanda Seyfried (Lilly Kane): Remember when I said Kristen Bell was the most successful VM alumni? Just kidding! You know you like it when I kid. Amanda Seyfried’s star is pretty on the rise as well. She’s my favorite character in one of my favorite shows (Sarah Hendrickson in Big Love), and she was enjoyable as Sophie in Mamma Mia! this past summer. Also, she’s going to be in Jennifer’s Body, written by Diablo Cody, which a lot of people are looking forward to. Too bad Lilly Kane’s been dead since the start of season one, but Seyfried comes alive in flashbacks and I think they should work a couple of those into the movie, for nostalgia’s sake.

vm_percy_dPercy Daggs III (Wallace Fennel): Has done nothing since the end of the show but guest in a few ill-fated dramas and some movie called American Son? Don’t know, didn’t see it, but it also has Nick Cannon (a.k.a. Mr. Mariah Carey) in it, so it can’t be very good. However, it has Chi McBride in it, so it could also be awesome. Coin toss. Anyway, he could probably use the work, and I have a warm little niche in my cold, dark heart for Wallace, so I’d love to see him back in the game as V’s devoted sidekick/bestie.

jasondohringJason Dohring (Logan Echolls): I mean COME ON. What would this show BE without Logan, our obligatory psychotic jackass? Veronica and Logan were the first Blair and Chuck, the mutually insane couple who despite all their flaws and pathologies and machinations are absolutely perfect for each other. As I have already noted. Only this time around, they need to make sure that V and Logan together doesn’t result in Logan getting declawed because, like Chuck, he’s better when he’s angry. Which is why they shouldn’t have them get back together until the END of the movie, so they can antagonize each other and yearn for each other throughout. Oh, yeah, right, what’s Jason Dohring doing with himself these days? A whole lot of nothin’, it turns out, after Moonlight, which as most everybody knows had dismal ratings and was canceled. Anyway, his character Josef, as far as I saw, was just a pale ghost imitation of Logan, so good riddance. He’s in the Washingtonienne pilot, though. I wonder how that show will fare. Whatever, he’s available, let’s tap that.

francisFrancis Capra (Eli “Weevil” Navarro): NOT related to the legendary director Frank Capra, I’ll have you know. Since VM, our favorite PCHer has guested on such shows as “The Closer” (which I love), “Friday Night Lights” (which I love), “Criminal Minds”, “Heroes” (VM reunion!) , and “Sons of Anarchy”. He’s due for another recurring role, if you ask me, which nobody has. He’s probably up for another rematch with Logan, anyway, and they left Weevil’s story on a weird cliffhanger (?), if you can really call it that. In any case, we know he’s not quite finished with his criminal ways. I think it’s time to revisit that.

dickstandRyan Hansen (Dick Casablancas): Yay! My favorite! Like I said, not much going on here besides the Friday the 13th remake, which, why? Another VM alum for whom the current roles available don’t really live up to the potential of the actor (Kristen Bell and Jason Dohring being the other obvious victims of this problem). I love how Dick started off as a throwaway character and by the end of the series was fully integrated and had even started to display some depth of emotion we might never have seen if his brother hadn’t (SPOILER) whoopsed himself right off the edge of a building at the end of season two (END SPOILER). I liked where Dick was going and I want to see more of him.

28203656Teddy Dunn (Duncan Kane): Ah, Teddy Dunn. Very pretty to look at, not a very talented actor. I do not wish to see him return for the movie, but for fun let’s see what he’s up to. Oh yeah, Jumper. Maybe he could get some temporary work as Scott Porter’s body double.

f_44195561 Michael Muhney (Sheriff Don Lamb): Not that Muhney can come back, because (SPOILER) Lamb is clearly deceased (END SPOILER), but I loved Lamb. Muhney has done/is slated to do a lot of movies, but none of them look like anything special. Too bad. He’s a real gem.

VERONICA MARSTina Majorino (Cindy “Mac” MacKenzie): Aw, at least we know Tina Majorino is doing well. Just like Amanda Seyfried and (I’m getting to it!) Kyle Gallner, she’s on Big Love, as Heather Tuttle, Sarah’s Mormon bestie. At this point, she doesn’t seem to be doing much else, so I hope they ask her to come back for the movie and I hope she accepts. What would V be without her Q? (Too many initials.)

0000034960_20061021043236Kyle Gallner (Cassidy “Beaver” Casablancas): Another favorite that is ineligible for a return to the show because (SPOILER) he’s dead (END SPOILER), but despite how incredibly creepy he seems to be in EVERY. SINGLE. ROLE. HE. PLAYS. I still love him. He’s been doing some stuff: The Closer, that creepmeister kid on the Law and Order: SVU episode with Melissa Joan Hart, Smallville, Medium, CSI: NY, The Shield, and Big Love (as yet another creepy young dude). (How many times can I unoriginally use the word “creepy” to describe a Kyle Gallner character? Wait and see!) He’s also in Jennifer’s Body along with VM alum Amanda Seyfried, where he’ll probably play a creepy young dude! Four times! That’s gotta be a record. What?

Okay. That’s enough. This post is getting way too long. I could tell you what Max Greenfield (Deputy Leo) or Alona Tal (Meg Manning) or Tessa Thompson (Jackie Cook) or Daran Norris (Cliff McCormack) or Chris Lowell (Stosh “Piz” Piznarski) or Julie Gonzalo (Parker Lee…srsly? Lee? That was her last name?) or Ken Marino (Vinnie Van Lowe) or any number of actors are doing these days, but I don’t care. Except Daran Norris and Ken Marino–we need Cliff and Vinnie back. The rest of them can skedaddle. Although Max Greenfield is on Ugly Betty sometimes and Chris Lowell is on Private Practice. Not afraid to be servicey!

“Why do you wear so much purple?”

Before I get to my thoughtsicles on Monday night’s Gossip Girl episode, I have a link for you. Apparently, yesterday (my boyfriend) Ed Westwick was on The View with Chace Crawford, his roommate/bestie for life. DID YOU KNOW THAT ED WESTWICK IS BRITISH?!?!?! OMFG! The British! They’re so wily with their ability to hide their accents and play AMERICANS CAN YOU BELIEVE IT?!

Barbara Walters has clearly lost her mind. Accents aren’t heads; you don’t need really ridiculous surgical intervention to change them. This isn’t Face/Off. Although you can’t blame her, I guess, since she’s been completely incapable of talking like a normal resident of this country or any other for her entire career. “Talk American.” That’s not even proper English, Babs! And you, the pretty one with the hair, what is it like living with an ACTUAL BRITISH PERSON in the UNITED STATES OF DUHMERICA? “Well, now I say ‘rubbish’ for ‘garbage’! Can you believe it?” Same with Whoopi. They’re both clearly insane.

Oy. ANYWAY. Let me get this straight–I’m supposed to care about the Bass der Humphrey secret 90s love child, correctsicles? So why is it so hard to care? Oh, that’s right, because Rufus and Lily are completely dismal parents who have managed to totally ignore and abandon their own children separately for nigh on eighteen years now, so obviously I should want them to find another kid to punish with passive-aggressive mostly disinterested parental posturing. Okay then! So they’re in Boston, together this time, because Rufus couldn’t find the kid on his teeny tiny map last time and Lily needs to get away and dry her tear about Bart’s death on some 1500 thread count Egyptian cotton sheets in a four-star hotel because she doesn’t ALREADY LIVE IN ONE OR ANYTHING and it’s not like they’re reading her late husband’s will in New York, which her grieving stepson Charles is having to face on his own.

normal_060“Why do you wear so much purple?”

OH BUT WAIT. He’s not alone! He’s got Blair (FTW) and the jackbass (massive FAIL). Excuse me but is the jackbass really just allowed to be Chuck’s guardian? Wouldn’t Lily, being his stepmother, have first crack at that? Has Lily even met the jackbass yet? Where was she when Chuck was almost falling off of buildings? So many questions, but only one answer: Lily pretty much sucks. Still, not that I think she needs yet another child to not care very much about right now, but at least she doesn’t want to bilk Chuck out of the family fortune/controlling interest in Bass Industries. Because that’s what the jackbass wants. Like we didn’t already know that, show. He’s obvs bad news bears. He doesn’t need to dramatically proclaim “That rat bastard!” or whatever he says when Chuck gets 51% of BI and thus becomes the king of all the vague arsony business his father’s company purportedly does.

Let me explain why this makes no sense, even for Gossip Girl: 1. If Chuck needs a legal guardian, he’s still a minor. 2. You can’t inherit anything when you’re a minor, I KNOW I CHECKED. Not a billion dollars, and not a company for heaven’s sake. Blah blah blah trustcakes about Chuck’s dolla billz, but you still can’t inherit controlling interest in a company. Also, here’s a thought: it is completely implausible that Bart would’ve written his letter to Chuck unless he foresaw his death or faked it. If the answer is that he faked it, awesome. If it’s that the writing is sloppy, fail. That is dumb. He would not have written this ridiculous letter. And also isn’t it interesting that Lily inherited no money and neither did her two children? Bart wanted them to be a “family”, as far as that word ever gets you on this show. Doesn’t that mean they get a cut of the funds if he kicks it? Oh, right, I forget that the bonds of family on this show are at best plot-driven and at worst totally imaginary. My b!

Here’s another question: why do people trust the jackbass even though he’s not even trying to cover up the fact that he’s a snake? Chuck and Blair won’t fully trust themselves or each other or any single other person in their lives, but with him they’re all “Sure, be my legal guardian!”, “It makes total sense that you should want me to go out and drink champagne in a limo with some hos!”, “Yeah, of course I’ll set up a secret brunch for Chuck! I’m so certain this is not a trap of some sort!”, “Fine, I’ll take these olds up to Chuck’s new chamber of secrets where I have no idea what he’s doing!”, etc. Er…disconnect! Okay, I get why Chuck trusts him–because Chuck thinks the jackbass is him, a creepshow womanizer who winks at people like Nate Archibald for no good reason. But why does Blair trust him? And why is she not worried about the jackbass whoopsing their BIG NEW YEAR’S SHOCKING EVE to Chuck? She’s so “Let’s not” when the jackbass threatens to tell Chuck what “happened”. So…really? I’m still supposed to believe they hooked up? Denied.

normal_143Looks like a really good idea!

I’m telling you, Blair made the right choice dumping Chuck’s ass. I’m as big a Bluck fan as the next person, but there has got to be a limit to the lengths that you’ll go for people before your heart is in so many pieces it’s impossible to put it back together again. The wife comment is more than insulting, it’s true. Blair is everybody’s wife. She’s Serena’s wife and Dan’s wife and Jenny’s wife and her mother’s wife and absolutely Chuck’s wife. She’s also their mothers, because of course none of them have good ones to speak of. Blair’s ultimate tragedy is that as much as she thinks she’s motivated by her own self-interest, she’s best when she’s somebody’s partner and they’re accomplishing something together. Earth to Chuck: She’s not playing wife, she is your wife. Insofar as “wife” is a devoted female partner. And I understand Chuck’s inability to keep his nastiness in check when he’s backed into a corner, and how he’s the type of person who lashes out a the last good thing in his life, and how he can’t see how important you are until he watches the light die in your eyes because of something he’s said or done. But how long can you go on punishing yourself for loving someone? Blair made the right choice.

normal_200Not enough.

Freefall

As always, I was a day behind in my Gossip Girl watching, due to the not having television in my apartment and having to watch online, and as always, I have a few thoughtsicles.

First of all, two words: Opium den.

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(In my search for a screencap of that scene, I came upon this blog, and now I have three fake boyfriends: Ed Westwick, and the two guys who write I Am Chuck Bass.)

But back to the drugs of yore. Opium den? Only Chuck Bass would be capable of finding one of those things. That scene with him in a kimono is so priceless. Anyway! “Jack Bass” is a nice play on “jackass.” Also, the actor is kind of hilarious in an I-wish-they’d-give-him-more-screen-time kind of a way. I loved the part where they’re in Headmistress Queller’s office and Jack is like, “Well he’s in the principal’s office and both parents being dead–sorry Chuck…” (like, “sorry for bringing it up” not “sorry they’re dead”, which is also hilarious) and Chuck just cocks a finger gun at him and goes, “No problem,” all high-like. Obviously, Uncle Jack is, like, the world’s most horrible influence, what with getting drunk at his own nephew’s party and then almost whoopsing him right off the edge of the building with his foghorn voice, but that’s what makes this show so fun!

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Explain to me why, though Constance Billard and St. Jude’s are supposed to be two different schools, the students walk the same halls, take the same classes, and have the same headmistress? That sounds like just one school to me, and fancying that up with two names is beyond ridiculous. Also, have you ever noticed that they’re never in class? Not only that they skip school all the time with no repercussions, but also that there are no scenes ever filmed in a classroom. Yet more evidence for my personal theory that Gossip Girl isn’t about teenagers, it’s about human beings at any age.

Now, there were many choice Bluck scenes in “In the Realm of the Basses”, but probs my favorite was the one at Victrola. One of Chuck’s most interesting qualities is his insistence on saying the world’s meanest thing to the person he loves instead of expressing his real feelings, which are actually exactly the opposite. Now, saying “Is that it? Or are you going to tell me you love me again?” is particularly cruel because he knows that not only did his rejection totally crush her like it would any girl but also that, Blair being Blair, she’s been obsessing about it and wishing she hadn’t said it ever since he left, because her pride is the most important thing to her and he shattered it by not saying the words back to her when she knew he felt them.

One of Chuck’s worst qualities when it comes to Blair is that he’s always testing her. This is another one of those tests. “I love you so much it could kill me if you leave me,” is what he’s really saying, “so show me how much you love me by staying with me no matter what I say or do to you.” And she does, because Blair is constant. The fix’d foot, as John Donne would say. That’s her best, best quality. She’s the opposite of a fairweather friend–she’s only there for you if you really need her. And Chuck always really needs her. That’s just his nature. He always needs, because he was never nurtured.

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Whatever. So! My favorite Blair scene this week is the one where she comes home to get ready for the Colony Club meeting (what a bullshit storyline, right?) and she sits down in front of the mirror and she starts to dry sob, but she doesn’t cry, she abruptly stops and gathers herself and straightens her shoulders and heads back out into the world. I love that scene because that is exactly what I would do. I would want to cry, I would start to sob, but what I would really want to do is scream and the tears wouldn’t come out because I would be too anguished and so I would push it all down deep and get my head back in the game. I see a lot of myself in Blair; maybe that’s why I love her so much.

I won’t even justify the Colony Club scene or any of the Jenny Humphrey stuff with thoughtsicles, because you already know my opinion of Penelope and that’s all I would talk about re: the stupid Pinkberry-set Little J/Mean Girls storyline this week. Nice to see Eric finally grew out his highlights, though. In fact, just nice to see Eric.

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See? There he is.

Back in the realm of the Humphrey-Woodsens, Rufus abandoned the kids he’s (ostensibly) raising during Christmas and New Year’s and stuck them with their horrible mother for the entire holiday so that he could canvas Boston (why Boston? I though Lilly had the Secret Love Child in France?) looking for the kid he didn’t know about until the day before Christmas hiatus. What a tool. And of course, because his only resource is a ridiculous tourist’s map to Boston adoption agencies, he finds nothing. Dan finds that map, though, which makes him go “Hm.” But of course, despite being a total hot mess, Chuck still has to be the one to spell it all out for him, even though he has better things to do like teeter on the edge of the rooftop/sanity and drink whiskey straight from the bottle and nuzzle with Blair once she finally proves to him how much she cares about him (oh, I’m getting there). HOW DO YOU NOT FIGURE THIS OUT, DAN/SERENA? I knew there was a Humphrey-Woodsen love child last season, because it was so damn likely! Yeah, so, as always, the Humphrey-Woodsens are totally snoozeville. No wonder Eric wants so badly to be a Bass.

Let’s catch up with Bluck, shall we? After breaking the bad news about the Humphrey-Woodsen baby to the current heir to the Humphrey throne, and also telling Eric it was nice having him for a brother (either Chuck doesn’t understand anything or he doesn’t believe in anything, either way it’s so sad), Chuck goes up on the roof to sing some song I don’t recognize about “Spanish ladies” (??) and drink booze and possibly die. Blair, of course, knows that’s where he’s gone and the jackbass follows her up there where he almost startles Chuck off the edge like an “IDIOT!” which is what Blair yells at him. Then Chuck proceeds to talk like the Bug in Men in Black (“Well I went to the pardy…”) and scream about how his daddy never wanted him (valid criticism, Bart practically admitted that himself, although it was because Chuck reminds him of Chuck’s mother and it’s painful, not because he just doesn’t love him, WHICH CHUCK SHOULD REMEMBER, but all Chuck remembers is what Bart said to him right before he died, which is that he always screws everything up) and how he’s Chuck Bass and how nobody cares. And then Blair gets all squinty and tells him that she cares, that she’ll always be there, that she doesn’t want him to go away. And she passes the test! Chuck gets down off the edge, apologizes to her, and nuzzles into her neck like a little puppy. It’s so cute! Let’s watch it.

Aw. Best scene since the awkward/awesome hug last episode. Then the show had to go and ack a fool by pretending the jackbass and Blair did something untoward on New Year’s that Chuck can never know about. Okay, most people are freaking out because that might mean that the jackbass and Blair hooked up. To this I say: Nay. Even with the promo from next week–you know how manipulative those things are. I think they made some kind of evil deal re: Chuck. I can’t think of what that might be because I don’t actually know the jackbass. We’ll just wait and find out. I honestly don’t think Blair would sleep with the jackbass. Blair isn’t like Chuck; she doesn’t look for comfort in physical intimacy when she’s feeling broken–duh, that’s where all her food issues come from. One could argue that she looked for comfort in physical intimacy with Chuck after the whole Nate debacle, but again, to that I say: Nay. Without the Nate Archibald albatross around her neck, she was finally free to give into her chemistry with Chuck. Also, free to take off her clothes in Victrola. Yay freedom. Yay getting rid of Nate Archibald!

Speaking of that guy, where was he this week? Not by Chuck’s side, that’s where! Probs making out with Vanessa (also suspiciously absent this week) in the Brooklyn. Good riddance.

Bluck dramz + Bluck love + ridiculous new character + no Vanessa or Nate + Pinkberry product placement =

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Completely Dorota-fied.

(Screencaps from blairandchuck.com and gossipgirlonline.com)