YOU. GUYS. I was doing research for work today and I stumbled upon–nay, I specifically sought out–the website of one Countess Luann deLesseps, whose book on etiquette comes out from Dutton/Gotham this summer. Perhaps you do not know the Luann. Perhaps you’re like, “De-what-now?” And that, my dear friends, would be such a shame. For the Countess Luann deLesseps is a character, I mean real! live! human!, on The Real Housewives of New York City.
Now, some people have less than polite nicknames for the Countess, but I just call her Luann. As if we’re on a first-name basis, even though we are not. She can call me Anna if she likes. Luann is awesome, and by awesome I mean completely narcissistic, mean and vapid, with a generous splash of snobbery. That’s why she’s on the show! Pure genius. I love it. Luann is not my favorite Housewife, naturally that would be Jill Zarin of Zarin Fabrics closely followed by Bethenny, who is loud and eye-roll-y just like yours truly. But LuAnn is a definite number three–I don’t even count that Kelly Bensimon woman, she’s new and boring–and for good reason.
First of all, she’s a Countess. OBVS. But she’s not a Countess because she was born into royalty. Oh, no. Details about her background are necessarily scanty, what with the probability she’s from some West Virginia backwater and is ashamed of that, which, don’t be, Luann, that makes this story so much better! She’s pretty stunning-looking, even now, even without the digital airbrushing Bravo won’t invest in, so it should shock no one that she was a model. It’s hard to know how she met and wooed her husband, the Count deLesseps, but she did! Luann is a winner. Now she goes about flaunting the title everywhere and anywhere (like on television!) and judging how classy people are, like, Luann, you’re on cable reality television and your live-in houekeeper raises your kids. Class is subjective!
Hold on, I’m totally sidetracked by Jill’s blog. This will make no sense to you if you haven’t seen Tuesday’s episode, but: “Governor…it was worse. Mario leaves the conversation and says ‘don’t forget to watch the show’. Mario…he is BLIND. Unbelievable.” Team Jill!
Okay, back to Luann. I guess my point is that she has a website and that it’s hilarious. It contains such gems as “Champagne and gourmet doggy treats to celebrate our Highland Terrier Aston’s first birthday? Why not?” Um, because it’s a DOG, that’s why not. We’re in a recession. “I am fortunate to be able to pamper my pet while supporting many worthwhile charities, including, as many of you saw on last week’s RHONY show, the American Cancer Society.” EL OH EL. Luann, you’re ridiculous. Don’t ever change! Wait, I meant CHANGE, PLEASE FOR THE LOVE OF GOD CHANGE.
Actually, no. The whole point of watching Housewives is that rich people are almost entirely worthless human beings across the board. The indulgence is not watching them spend money, it’s watching them be worse people than you and the poors you know. So please, Luann, spend a ridiculous amount on your dog, because my level of personal satisfaction is directly proportional to how gluttonous you are. God, I wish her blog had comments enabled.